For a couple to say that they have problems communicating may be misleading. They could be communicating with each other perfectly well about religion and careers, but are not able to express themselves effectively about child rearing and intimacy.
In a previous blog, I asked for specific communication challenges and you provided me with plenty of them. One Wise Wife shared with me that Money is an area she and her hubby often find themselves at an impasse about.
I'm going to answer from an assumed viewpoint that both parties are willing to admit there is room for improvement and are open to trying a new thing.
Let's use the following scenario as an example:
Khalil and Ebony have been married for 8 years, have a pre-schooler, a 1st grader, and they have shared custody of Khalil's 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. They are purchasing a home, leasing one car and buying another one.
In the beginning of their marriage they decided who would be responsible for which bills and had been able to pay all of their bills, save money and even have a little left over to play with. Ebony was accustomed to having her hair salon-styled every week, and splurging on the children. Khalil boasts that he is a Golfoholic and has maintained a golf club membership for years.
Recently, Khalil's employer cut his hours, which has affected his take-home pay considerably. It's become obvious that they are headed for serious financial problems. Although their income has changed, their money management style has not been adjusted accordingly.
Ebony recently noticed an increase in the frequency of calls from creditors. She has also noted that their mail has gotten a lot more colorful and the envelopes have messages stamped on the outside stating Time-Sensitive! and Urgent!
Ebony has made a couple of unsuccessful attempts to discuss the household finances with Khalil. He simply dismisses her saying, "I got this." Both times she ended up sleeping in the kids' room and not speaking to him for days. She took the initiative to cut her salon visits to twice a month and began to be more diligent in searching for ways to cut corners. She is disappointed that she has seen no evidence that Khalil is doing the same. She is reluctant to initiate another conversation, fearing a threepeat of the her prior attempts. However, she realizes that if they don't do something soon, they'll end up in Debtor's Jail.
My 2 Cents:
The wisest thing a wife can do when she has to have a difficult discussion with her husband is to pray. Rather than getting on the phone with our mom or girlfriends to talk about how our husband has done it again, we first have to have what I refer to as a vertical chat - talk to the one who can do something about it.
When having a hard discussion with your other half, keep in mind that a soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (KJV)
When it comes to certain topics, sometimes it seems that a meeting of the minds is impossible. However, as Christian wives we must have the type of love for our husbands and faith in God that believes for the impossible.
I created the following acronym which couples should incorporate during sensitive discussions.
Pay attention when your spouse is speaking
Respect each other's feelings and opinions
Acknowledge your own flaws
Yield to the Holy Spirit which will guide you concerning all things
Experience has taught me that one common shortfall in marriage is that couples don't plan for the what ifs. It would appear that this couple actually didn't do much planning at all and were operating in the "now." As Christians, we tend to shy away from preparing for possible hard times for fear that it somehow shows a lack of faith.
Khalil may feel that their financial woes indicate that he has failed as a provider. He might also feel that a discussion will lead to him having to fully disclose his spending habits to his wife. He may perceive that as having to give up a certain amount of control. If he is not willing to discuss the situation with his wife, he may be operating from a mounting number of destructive, misguided perceptions. Proverbs 16:18 (KJV) says that Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
A Wise Wife realizes that this unpleasant conversation has GOT to take place; however she also has to exercise wisdom when approaching her husband. No one wants to feel they are under attack in their own home. It is better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24 (KJV)
Timing and follow up are key factors. You may not want to start a conversation about the bills while your husband is watching a football game. You also might want to ask God to restrain you from pouncing on him if you've just overheard him on the phone negotiating a payment extension of a delinquent bill that you weren't aware even exisited.
If you don't already know the best time and setting to discuss delicate subjects with your hubby, try asking him. I often have to make an appointment with Rick to discuss subjects that I know he'd rather not talk about at all.
Once you've agreed upon a time and setting to talk about your finances, [or any other difficult topic] follow up by confirming with hubby that you're still on for the date and time you agreed upon. "I understood you correctly when you said we'd talk about our finances Thursday night after dinner, right honey?"
Know your husband's hot buttons. Right, wrong or indifferent, if you've been married more than a day, you already know that certain words set your husband off! Avoid them, particularly accusatory words, name calling (and for God's sake don't play the dozens). Remember, your spouse is not your enemy.
Be ready to offer a solution. Your husband is the head of your household and HE is the one God holds responsible for your family. You can't shove your suggestion down his throat - even if it is the best possible solution to your dilemma. You can, however gently and prayerfully coach him toward seeing things your way.
Acknowledge your own errors. There is nothing more disarming to someone who has positioned themselves for a fight than for you to simply admit your own contribution to a bad situation. Years ago when my daughter LaKeisha was a pre-teen, I had my ammunition locked and loaded and was about to let her have it about something she'd done (or maybe didn't do). I charged her with the offense and she simply said to me "you're right." That let all the air out of my balloon. I was so outdone I can't even remember how the conversation ended, but I do remember that I respected her for owning up to her error rather than being defensive and making excuses.
Over the years I learned to incorporate that simple principle when communicating with my husband. I think it sometimes blows his mind when instead of, as he puts it, getting with him, I tell him he's right. Bear in mind I only do this when I actually have made the error and he is right. I am not an advocate of patronization and manipulation. One trait of a Wise Wife is genuine humility.
Don't be afraid to apologize. Only a fool believes she never makes a mistake so when you know you've blown it, take the high road. Say you're sorry and move on. If you're not already in the habit of admitting you're wrong, it might sound like someone else's words are coming out of your mouth. Keep doing it though, it's very freeing and rewarding. Your hubby might gloat initially, but when he sees that you're committed to admitting your mistakes and apologizing for them, he will [most likely] follow your example in time.
Make him feel comfortable about talking to you. Sometimes men don't want to discuss "sticky situations" with their wives because some women have a tendency to nag and belittle them. Men are not much for talking anyway so you certainly don't want to give him an excuse for not talking to you. As often as possible, appeal to your husband's ego during the conversation. Interject TRUE statements like, that's a good idea, that might work or I never thought about doing it that way.
However when you disagree with what he is saying, let him know but do it respectfully and try to remain calm. If you see that the conversation is deteriorating - end it. "Ok, I see that we're both getting upset and I don't want us to argue. Let's table this for now."
That's when you HUSH - no matter what he says from that point on. Nobody can argue by themselves. My grandmother once told me that when she was growing up, (circa 1915-30) the married women would fill their mouths with water in order to keep from talking back to their husbands. Of course I don't recommend anything that drastic, but a reasonable amount of prudence should be exercised in order to keep the peace when it's obvious that an argument is brewing.
Be ready and willing to forgive. This may take a LOT of prayer. If you're husband spent the rent money on something frivolous like a sound system, you might not be able to shrug it off but it's necessary. We're in it to when it - marriage that is. Also, you never know when you'll be the one in the hot seat. You'll want your husband to be "lenient" with you. Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Matthew 5:7
Finally, never underestimate the power of feminine influence! (wink)
Split Second Bible Lesson:
Feminine influence has endured the ages. Read about Ruth and Queen Esther in contrast with Delilah, Salome...oh and Eve
