...If You Didn't Want His Kids!
I was saddened when I received a phone call from a distraught woman who said she was at her wit's end. She told me about a situation she was experiencing with her former (I don't like the word "ex) husband and his new wife. She told me that both she and her former husband have each been remarried for some time now, but that the new wife has never wanted anything to do with their now teen aged daughter.
According to the woman, the "new wife" doesn't want her husband to interact with his daughter and resents the fact that he has to pay child support. Granted, the dynamics of "step" families (another phrase that I'm not fond of - I use bonus) can be quite challenging. However, if you're even remotely considering marrying a man who already has children, you both need to know in advance what you will and won't, can and can't take. If you're already married to a man with children from a previous relationship, keep in mind that you you're in it 'til death do you part. You have to make it work. It can be done if you're willing to do your part.
Now before you fill up my email box, let me explain what I mean by making it work. I mean that you, as a Christian woman do everything that the Lord requires us all to do.
- Employ the fruits of the spirit
- ask for wisdom
- act with temperance also,
- Refuse to get caught up in drama
- Choose which battles to become involved in and which ones to opt out of
- Don't try to intercept phone calls from your bonus kids' or their mother
- Don't show up to her house uninvited
The children involved in these complicated relationships have their own set of issues to deal with, in addition to normal growing pains. More often than not, they are ill-equipped to handle the confusion that comes along with being a member of a blended family. Their parents live in separate homes, there may be other children involved that they feel they have to compete with, they may feel that they're betraying the "bio-mom" by at minimal, acting civil toward you...the list of possibilities is endless.
Without question, we women are often guilty of being scornful and it is not uncommon for the "bio-mom" to distort the children's perception of you and your husband. Depending upon the circumstances, you may not be able to do anything about it except pray for all involved and be supportive. By being supportive I mean this:
- Encourage your husband to maintain regular contact and dialogue with all of his children.
- If they are still minors, see to it that he makes child support payments ON TIME.
- Make your husband, and your "bonus" children feel comfortable when they are in your presence
- Attempt to extend the olive branch to the "bio-mom"
- Gently, and patiently establish boundaries in your home with your "bonus kids." Be consistent, but also willing to be flexible.
- Do not make blatant distinctions between your "bio" and "bonus" kids
- Back off and give the kids space if they don't receive what you have to offer. In most cases they will eventually come around
Now, in defense of your bonus kids' mother, you very well may have married a man who was a complete jerk when he was involved with her. It is, what is it. Somehow woman of God, you will have to work your way through this maze of emotions and obscure boundaries - in the best of situations it's tough.
My three "bonus kids" were quite young when Rick and I got married. There were great sacrifices that had to be made - some the children, who by the way are all adults now, will never be aware of. I never once complained about his paying child support all those years. Our doors have always been open for them to spend as much time in our home as they wanted to. I've attended all sorts of school, extra-curricular events and family celebrations - with pride and joy. But I also know that when to say when. Meaning, I never smother them or try to compete for their loyalty and affection with their bio-mom. I've always met them where they are.
The bottom line, when a woman commits to a man who already has children, she should be committing to the children as well. If she doesn't want to do that, shame on her and she shouldn't have married him.
If you're in a similar situation and realize that you're not a candidate for the Bonus Mother of the Year award:
- Pray and ask for God's will to be done
- Pray for the children involved. No matter how obnoxious they seem, they need the love and support of everyone involved in their lives
- Pray for your husband, that God will heal his heart and make it possible for him to be the father he was called to be
- Pray for the bio-mom. She's probably wounded, she may be jealous or she might just be crazy! It's not for any of us to judge, but to give to God what we can't change
- Never, ever speak negatively about the children, their bio-mom or any of her family when there are ANY children in your presence (neither bonus or bio)
Split-Second Bible Lesson:
Paul admonished Euodias and Synthyche, two women embroiled in conflict, to unify for the good of the church. Likewise, the focal point should be on the overall well being of the children. Family relationships, nuclear as well as extended, are to reflect the relationship between the church and Christ.
Read : Philippians Chapter 4, with emphasis on verse 2 with regard to two powerful women within the body of Christ.
Also Romans 12:18
