Wise Wives, I Want to Hear It From You!

In response to the poll I posted last week, the majority of those who responded wanted to address communication, with intimacy following a close second. Here's what I need from you...
email me at wisdomforwives.blogspot.com and let me know the one topic that sets if off between you and your hubby.

Response due on Monday, June 29th. I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon.!
"V"

Wives seeking advice

According to the emails I've received since I started this blog last week, there are three main areas that readers would like me to address:



Communication

Intimacy

Other

I will be blogging in general terms about Communication and Intimacy, but I'll need some help with "Other." If you'd like personalized responses to specific issues, please do not hesitate to write me at:

Write me at wisdomforwives@gmail.com

Mentoring Monday - Featuring Ministry Marketing Solutions

Pam Perry,

Chief Visionary of Ministry Marketing Solutions

http://ministrymarketingsolutions.com/

http://myspace.com/pamperryprcoach

Pam's Perry's guidance, encouragment, PR workshops/seminars/conferences and networking functions are key contributing factors to getting my debut novel onto bookstore shelves and into the hands of hundreds of readers! To God be the glory! Visit her on the web!


Nurturing, Developing, Teaching and Testifying = Mentoring
And they overcame by the Blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.
Rev. 12:11 KVJ

As I think about it, the primary purpose in my developing this blog is to mentor. I'm at the 'tweenie' stage in life where I'm not exactly a newbie, but I'm not old enough to be considered a "mother" of the church. Besides, mentoring should not be based upon chronological age but rather, area of expertise, training and life experiences. Mentoring is actually an extensive testimony of lesson's we've learned. Particularly when we overcome fiery trials - it's not all about us, but for us to be in a position to encourage someone else at a later time.

When the Lord blesses us with skills, experiences, victories and the like, we can't just sit on them -it's our responsibility to Pay It Forward.

I've had some wonderful women who've mentored me and are still doing so today. Along the way I meet new mentors. Who says you can't teach an old (or middle aged) dog new tricks. We all need to attach ourselves to someone who has been there and done that. God forbid that I should ever reach a point in life where I think I know it all.

Split-Second Bible Lesson On Mentoring

The passing of the mantle from the elder prophet, Elijah to his successor Elisha is the description of a mentoring relationship. In Scripture, those with wisdom continually share that wisdom, together with their own experiences, with novices. Naomi schooled her widowed Moabite daughter-in-law in the intricacies of Jewish law so that Ruth could re-marry and become part of the Messiah's lineage (Ruth 3-4). Mordecai shrewdly steered Esther through the treachery of the Persian court to save the lives of God's chosen people (Esther 2-7).

In her older cousin Elizabeth, Mary had a miraculously expectant mentor to coach her during her first trimester of pregnancy (Luke 1:39-56). The apostle Paul gave astute advice, enabling Timothy and Titus to multiply his ministry; and in the Gospels, Jesus illuminated the way for the Twelve, the first of generations of disciples to follow the ultimate Mentor.

Women have a special admonition for mentoring. The older women in the church are challenged to teach or mentor the younger or less experienced women. (Titus 2:1-5). This one-on-one process has also been called "spiritual mothering." Paul described the qualifications for these mentors and set forth what they were to teach. This is a positive and important ministry in the church for women.

Black Pride - 365!

I'm standing on my soapbox and preaching to the choir...

Although Juneteeth, (June 19th, a day set aside to annually celebrate the emanication of slaves) has been observed since the mid-1860s, it still hasn't caught on across the country. To be honest I hadn't heard a thing about any observances or celebrations here in the Detroit area. I admit that I didn't know much about when, where or even why it is celebrated until I took the time to read an article posted by Black Voices yesterday.

While I'm not looking for another national holiday to celebrate, I do think it is essential for those of us who are of African descent to research our roots and thank God for our mere existence. I'm so in awe of families who know the details about relatives from several prior generations.

All of us should be deeply proud of the simple fact that we're here, in this very day and hour. Think about it, there had to have been thousands of Africans who were stolen from their homes and forced onto slave ships all those years ago.

The captives were stripped, chained in groups of five, and packed tightly into the slave hold (a deck below the main deck and above the cargo hold) so that one person's head, when lying in rows, was forced upon another person's thigh. In the ship's dark cargo hold, each slave had 3 feet 3 inches (1 m) of headroom during the ten-week voyage. The captives were sometimes brought up on deck and fed rice. Those who tried to starve themselves, as often happened, were whipped and forced to eat. While they were at sea, water supplies ran low, and disease spread through the closely packed, unventilated slave deck. At times when supplies ran low, the crew would chain 30-40 slaves and attach a heavy weight at the end, then throw it over board forcing the chained people into the water to drown. Nearly a third of the slaves died during the long voyage from disease, malnutrition, and beatings. Their American bloodline was never to be.


Some might ask, "What has that got to do with me?" My response is that it has EVERYTHING to do with you - and me. Had we not come from a strong, resilient bloodline so many generations ago, we simply would not even EXIST today. If it had not been for those who by the grace of God had the spiritual, physical and mental fortitude to refuse to die, we wouldn't be here to witness the historic political phenomenon that we're currently experiencing.

Now before someone calls me on it, I realize that Senator Barak Obama's American roots hail from the Caucasian side of his family; however my point is that our African and African-American predecessors paved the way so that all American citizens would have the same rights. Including the right to vote - let alone run for president!

I can only imagine how filled with pride our predecessors would be to see that the suffering they endured all those years ago was for such a time as this! If only those who withstood the dogs, rape, water hoses, beatings, lynchings and other unimaginable atrocities, so that we might partake of basic human rights, could see that their sacrifices were not in vain.

If we would all - young and old, revisit the past and study the experiences of our previous generations, perhaps we would not take so much for granted.

Perhaps parents would respect one another - and our children. Our sons would take their rightful place as holy princes, treat women with honor and respect; and our daughters would realize that they hail from spiritual royalty and esteem their bodies accordingly. None of us would allow ourselves to be contaminated by violence, filth, and degradation.

Education would be sought after - as opposed to lusting temporary fixes for designer clothing, jewelry and cars we can't afford. Perhaps we would return to the pride of home, business and community ownership as opposed to perpetual indebtedness for something we will never own.

Other cultures traditionally teach their young about their ancestors and how they got to be where they are. There is a misconception that our history has not been preserved. Our history lessons were whispered inside the darkened rooms of secret meeting places. Coded messages were transmitted from house to field and back again through songs and signals.

Our history was carved into trees, hidden under floor boards and scrawled onto parchment. It's true that much of our history is buried, but nevertheless it is documented. It's there for us to unearth like precious buried treasure.

Museums, libraries, websites and even keepsake family bibles are brimming with historical names, dates and facts. Some are even fortunate enough to have living, breathing testimonies among us. Now is the time to really listen to their "how I got over" stories. It is our legacy.

We have to be diligent in mining our roots, then passing our bounty on to the generations to come - lest we forget.

Black pride is not something you can take out of storage to put on display once a year like Christmas decorations.

Black pride is not catch phrase, it is a state of being - 365 days a year.

Fiction Friday - Excerpt from He's Fine, But Is He Saved? by Kimberley Brooks

Yup, that's me hanging out in NYC last year with the big girls, authors Kimberley Brooks, Stacey Hawkins Adams, Sherri Lewis and Marilynn Griffith. Visit them on the web!

http://kimonthweb.com/
http://staceyhawkinsadams.com/
http://sherrilewis.com/
http://mariylnngriffith.com/

Wise wives (and wives-to-be) realize the importance of incorporating a little "me time" on a regular basis. When I need/want to take a break from my own writing (and the other million and one things on my to-do list) I like to shut myself in, light some scented candles, turn on some music, make myself a healthy snack tray yeah right; and go on a virtual vacation with a terrific Christian novel. No wonder it takes me so long to complete my own novels.


Each Friday, I will treat you to excerpts from novels written by some of my favorite Christian fiction authors - starting with the authors pictured above. This week we begin with my home girl, Kimberley Brooks. Enjoy!


He's Fine But is He Saved?

Chapter 1 Flirting

"He fiiiiiiine," Sandy sang across the restaurant table and ran her tiny, cream-colored hand through her short black tresses. She was referring to some stranger seated at the bar.
Sandy, Liz, and I were enjoying Sunday brunch on a chilly afternoon in April at one of Detroit's finest restaurants downtown. The soothing jazz sounds coming from the black baby grand increased my enjoyment as I swayed with the music. We single ladies are celebrating the fact that we're "big girls now." We're all in our early-to-late twenties, graduated from different colleges, and have fairly decent jobs. We can afford to splurge once in a while. I snapped back into the reality of Sandy's comment and looked around to make sure no one else heard her remark. "Who fine?" I asked and then looked back down at my jambalaya.

I tell you. Sandy can be so obvious at times. One day I'm going to teach her young, twenty-three-year-old self how to do things with class, or at least learn how to use codes so that the whole restaurant doesn't know we're checking a brotha out.

"What man are you talking about now?" retorted Liz. Liz is twenty-seven, two years older than I am. She has never approved of Sandy's flirtatious ways. I watched Liz play with her house salad. Her meal selection is a result of her trying to lose weight. In the past three months, Liz went from a size ten to a size sixteen. I believe a lot of her weight gain has to do with having to put up with her single mother's wild antics at home. Next to praying, Liz's favorite thing to do when something is bothering her is eat. However, she still looks good with her flawless caramel-colored skin and shoulder length, black micro-zillions that are half braided, half loose. Liz and I have always had lunch together after church. Then four months ago, the Lord reunited Sandy and me, former high school classmates, one day at the grocery store. We exchanged numbers, and I invited her to church. That following Sunday, dressed in four inch heels and a short and tight jean dress with rhinestones, Sandy responded to the altar call. I walked down the aisle with her and she, in tears, got saved. I haven't been able to get rid of Sandy since that day. Now the Lord has given me a spiritual assignment to be her spiritual guide and friend. I don't mind too much, I guess, even though sometimes I do have to remind Liz, my best friend of five years now, that Sandy is still young in the Lord. Sandy's behavior can be quite unpredictable at times, especially when it comes to her interactions with the opposite sex. "Him, at the bar," Sandy whispered loudly while pointing toward the bar with her fork. I peeked at the bar section and saw an older white gentleman wearing a hideous toupee, an older black woman wearing a tight red dress holding a glass of mimosa, and a black man who looked to be in his late twenties. He was dark-skinned with a bald head, had thick juicy lips, and enough muscles to make Tyrese look bad. The black muscle shirt he wore proved he was built, and his tan pants hugged his thighs. I must admit, the brotha was fine. As Sandy kept flirting with him with her dark brown eyes, the man responded by looking over at her with hungry eyes of his own and a sexy smile.
"Give me a break," Liz said after sneaking a glance at the man and then snapping her neck. "You just got out of church not even an hour ago, and here you are flirting with some man. Ghetto."

360 Pages ISBN: 978-0-373-83061-9

You Never Should Have Married Him!

...If You Didn't Want His Kids!



I was saddened when I received a phone call from a distraught woman who said she was at her wit's end. She told me about a situation she was experiencing with her former (I don't like the word "ex) husband and his new wife. She told me that both she and her former husband have each been remarried for some time now, but that the new wife has never wanted anything to do with their now teen aged daughter.

According to the woman, the "new wife" doesn't want her husband to interact with his daughter and resents the fact that he has to pay child support. Granted, the dynamics of "step" families (another phrase that I'm not fond of - I use bonus) can be quite challenging. However, if you're even remotely considering marrying a man who already has children, you both need to know in advance what you will and won't, can and can't take. If you're already married to a man with children from a previous relationship, keep in mind that you you're in it 'til death do you part. You have to make it work. It can be done if you're willing to do your part.

Now before you fill up my email box, let me explain what I mean by making it work. I mean that you, as a Christian woman do everything that the Lord requires us all to do.

• Employ the fruits of the spirit


• ask for wisdom


• act with temperance
also,


• Refuse to get caught up in drama



• Choose which battles to become involved in and which ones to opt out of



• Don't try to intercept phone calls from your bonus kids' or their mother



• Don't show up to her house uninvited

The children involved in these complicated relationships have their own set of issues to deal with, in addition to normal growing pains. More often than not, they are ill-equipped to handle the confusion that comes along with being a member of a blended family. Their parents live in separate homes, there may be other children involved that they feel they have to compete with, they may feel that they're betraying the "bio-mom" by at minimal, acting civil toward you...the list of possibilities is endless.

Without question, we women are often guilty of being scornful and it is not uncommon for the "bio-mom" to distort the children's perception of you and your husband. Depending upon the circumstances, you may not be able to do anything about it except pray for all involved and be supportive. By being supportive I mean this:

• Encourage your husband to maintain regular contact and dialogue with all of his children.




• If they are still minors, see to it that he makes child support payments ON TIME.




• Make your husband, and your "bonus" children feel comfortable when they are in your presence




• Attempt to extend the olive branch to the "bio-mom"




• Gently, and patiently establish boundaries in your home with your "bonus kids." Be consistent, but also willing to be flexible.




• Do not make blatant distinctions between your "bio" and "bonus" kids




• Back off and give the kids space if they don't receive what you have to offer. In most cases they will eventually come around

Now, in defense of your bonus kids' mother, you very well may have married a man who was a complete jerk when he was involved with her. It is, what is it. Somehow woman of God, you will have to work your way through this maze of emotions and obscure boundaries - in the best of situations it's tough.

My three "bonus kids" were quite young when Rick and I got married. There were great sacrifices that had to be made - some the children, who by the way are all adults now, will never be aware of. I never once complained about his paying child support all those years. Our doors have always been open for them to spend as much time in our home as they wanted to. I've attended all sorts of school, extra-curricular events and family celebrations - with pride and joy. But I also know that when to say when. Meaning, I never smother them or try to compete for their loyalty and affection with their bio-mom. I've always met them where they are.

The bottom line, when a woman commits to a man who already has children, she should be committing to the children as well. If she doesn't want to do that, shame on her and she shouldn't have married him.

If you're in a similar situation and realize that you're not a candidate for the Bonus Mother of the Year award:

• Pray and ask for God's will to be done




• Pray for the children involved. No matter how obnoxious they seem, they need the love and support of everyone involved in their lives




• Pray for your husband, that God will heal his heart and make it possible for him to be the father he was called to be




• Pray for the bio-mom. She's probably wounded, she may be jealous or she might just be crazy! It's not for any of us to judge, but to give to God what we can't change




• Never, ever speak negatively about the children, their bio-mom or any of her family when there are ANY children in your presence (neither bonus or bio)

Split-Second Bible Lesson:

Paul admonished Euodias and Synthyche, two women embroiled in conflict, to unify for the good of the church. Likewise, the focal point should be on the overall well being of the children. Family relationships, nuclear as well as extended, are to reflect the relationship between the church and Christ.

Read : Philippians Chapter 4, with emphasis on verse 2 with regard to two powerful women within the body of Christ.

Also Romans 12:18

Excerpt from Brown Paper Bag, the Novel

Fair skinned, wavy-haired Louisiana native Gregory Duplantis' own flesh and blood ruthlessly conspire to sabotage his impending marriage to Natalie, his one true love because her mahogany skin and humble background are unacceptable.

Innocent, gifted and exotic - skin the color of bittersweet chocolate, Natalie Jordan is the constant victim of intolerance and intra-racial discrimination because of her pure African features.

Social climber and entrepreneur Albertina Duplantis makes no apologies for doing "whatever it takes" to protect her family's assets, social status and bloodline.

Prologue

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers;

for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:2

Albertina hovered above the inanimate form that was her own body. She heard unintelligible voices and the sound of several sets of shuffling feet approaching. A sea of white coats with hands that held clipboards and pens stood at the foot of her hospital bed. Five, no six white coats.

One of them spoke as the others listened and scribbled notes. She willed her eyes to open but they disobeyed. She tried to speak but was unable to make her lips part. Her mind was screaming. She wanted someone to pull out all of the tubes and wires. Tubes that pushed oxygen in and out of her lungs. Wires that made her heart beat. Tubes that nourished and hydrated her...drained her body's waste. Wires and tubes that enabled her to live.

The white coats formed a semi-circle around her hospital bed. A gray-haired white coat asked questions of the others. Two of them answered. The gray-haired one scowled and shook his head. He impatiently waited for the obvious correct answer.

Finally a medical student with topaz-colored eyes offered the correct answer. The corners of Gray-hair's mouth turned upward as he nodded approvingly.

Albertina oserved as the white coats continued to violate her. Gray-hair lifted the thin cotton sheet that covered the remnants of her dignity, pointed and asked more questions. Again, the girl with topaz-colored eyes answered correctly.

Albertina sensed a familiarity with the bright intern. Neither she nor her young benefactor were aware that their past - and future were entwined.

Somebody died, somebody lied, the obvious is sometimes obscure...

Chapter One

Lover and friend hast thou put far from me

and mine acquaintance into darkness

Ps. 88:18

Who's that baby's daddy?"

"Are you drunk or something? Why would you ask me that?"

A deafening clap of thunder tore open the late-night sky and released sheets of April rain.

Gregory shouted over the thunder, "I just had a talk with Thomas."

"What has Thomas got to do with our baby?"

"Is it our baby Natalie? Do you even know who the father is?"

"Gregory you know I have never been with anybody but you - that one time! I can't believe you even fixed your mouth to ask me such a question."

"Liar!" He slapped her - hit her so hard she was sure she'd bitten through her tongue.

Bewildered by his sudden attack, Natalie tasted her own blood - not knowing whether the bleeding was from the tongue bite or the split in her rapidly swelling lips. She ignored the excruciating pain and reached for him, pleading for an explanation. "Why did you do that? What did I do to deserve that?"

He grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. "I'm not falling for that innocent act any more Natalie. You played me for a fool - big time. I can't believe I almost married you."

She wrenched herself free of his grip and instinctively pushed him so hard he stumbled backward - barely missing the porch steps. "This isn't you talking Gregory. Your mouth is moving, but Albertina Duplantis is talking."

Another back-handed blow to her mouth sent Natalie crashing against the house - jabbing her back into the doorbell. The intensity of the blow against the doorbell shot a wave of pain into Natalie's spin that traveled up to her neck, back down to her tailbone and into her right leg.

"You keep my mother's name out of your filthy, lying mouth you slut!"

A crowd of curious neighbors carrying umbrellas and wearing rain slickers had gathered in front of the house. Block Captain Elijah Nelson yelled into the crowd. "I'm calling the police!"

The neighbor's comment fueled Gregory's anger like gasoline doused on a flame. "This is a private matter. You people need to mind your own business." He returned his attention to Natalie. "What are you planning to do about that baby?"

"You seem to believe it's not your baby so it's not your business."

"Don't get smart with me." He shoved her against the house, clutched her throat with his right hand and raised his left fist.

The screen door slapped against the house. Hattie Jordan burst onto the porch wielding a meat cleaver. "Boy, if you hit my daughter you gon' draw back a bleedin' nub!"

Her husband, Dallas stumbled out of the house carrying a shotgun and wiping sleep from his eyes. "Whas' goin' on out here? Natalie did this boy put his hands on you?"

Hattie answered, "Look at her mouth Dallas. This fool had her pinned 'gin the house." Natalie's face was twisted from the pain that radiated from the center of her back.

Dallas snatched his daughter away from Gregory's grip and leveled the barrel of the shotgun between his brows. "Look-a-here Mama's Boy, you get yo' tail off my prop'ty 'fo I blow you' head clean off!"

"Daddy no!" Natalie sobbed into her father's shoulder.

A black and white Detroit Police squad car pulled up in front of the house. The driver shined a light on the porch and yelled to Gregory. "What's going on here? We got a call that a lady was being assaulted at this address."

Dallas eased the shotgun back into the house while the officers focused on Gregory. One of the officers recognized Gregory and yelled over his shoulder to his partner. "Hey Jake, ain't this the guy we pulled over just a few minutes ago?"

Jake looked at Gregory, then his '56 Chevy. He yelled back. "Yeah Mel, one and the same. What's going on up there Mr. Duplantis?"

Gregory answered. "Just a little lover's quarrel. sorry if we disturbed anyone. We didn't mean to cause any trouble."

Officer Mel exited the squad car to break up the crowd. "Alright everybody, show's over. Go on home, there's nothing else to see here."

The reluctant crowd dispersed. Several people returned to their homes to peer through the windows of darkened rooms. A few of the more defiant neighbors congregated with Elijah Nelson on his front porch - hoping the entertainment would continue.

Officer Mel walked over to the bottom of the stairs and surveyed the scene. Natalie hid her face from the policeman's light.

"You folks sure there is nothing going on that we need to know about?" He directed his attention to Natalie. "Young lady are you hurt?"

From the shadows, she wiped a trembling hand across her face and tried to speak normally, but her voice and her bulging lips betrayed her. "N-no thank you officer. I'm ok."

A quick assessment of the scene and judging from the swelling and bruises on Natalie's face, his suspicions were confirmed. He'd witnessed this scenario on countless weekend calls. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we can't make you turn him in."

The officer raised the collar of his raincoat and spoke to Gregory. "So this is where you were in such a hurry to get to huh?"

Gregory stared past him - at Natalie. Then his acid-churning stomach sent him into a fit of violent convulsions and dry heaves.

The officers exchanged looks. "Tell you what Mr. Duplantis, me and Officer Tyson there will give you a ride home." he motioned for Gregory to start moving toward the squad car.

Gregory imagined the hissy-fit Albertina Duplantis would have if her son was brought home in a police car.

"No thanks, I'm alright. I can make it."

Officer Jake propped his foot on the bottom step and leaned forward. "Young man, I don't think you understand. Officer Tyson and I insist that you accept our offer."

He scowled. "And what am I supposed to do about my car?" I can't just leave it here."

"In light of the circumstances, I plan to give this house special attention all night. I'm sure nothing will happen to it while it's parked in front of the Jordans' house. You can arrange to take care of it in the morning." He placed his hand on the young man's shoulder. Come on now. Get in the squad car son."

Dallas put his arm around his daughter's slightly protruding waist and gently guided her toward the warmth and safety of their home. She looked over her shoulder and saw Gregory glaring at her from the back seat of the police cruiser. Natalie's tears mingled with the rain and splattered onto her cheeks as she watched her baby's father disappear into an envelope of darkness.

Copyright©Venus Mason Theus 2006

Praises for Brown Paper Bag!

Brown Paper Bag is a painstakingly honest tale about racism within one's own ethnic group. Though the setting begins in the late fifties, Venus Mason Theus' debut mirrors a lot of the "intra-racial" discrimination that occurs even today. This wonderfully written novel is about the search for true love-the type of love that believeth all things, beareth all things, and endureth all things. Awesome read! ---Kimberley Brooks, author of He's Fine... But Is He Saved?"

Brown Paper Bag illuminates the struggles through the characters' daily interpersonal relationships. Just when the ripples of discord seem to cease, a new wave of disunity begins."---Denise Smith, author of Back from Sanity's Edge

Brown Paper Bag will encourage those caught in the cycle of abuse to walk away from desperate situations and come to understand their personal power...and to see that our great big God is still interested in even the smallest details of our lives.---Dr. Gail Hayes, International speaker and author of Daughters of the Kings, Finding Victory Through Your God-Given Personal Style.

"With it's gripping storyline and dramatic revelations, Brown Paper Bag will grab you from its beginning and hold you 'til the very end."---Kendra Norman-Bellamy, author of Crossing Jhordan's River