Wisdom for Wives

My Review of Lord I'm Ready to Be a Wife by Christine Pembleton

2009-06-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

I normally don't mention the aesthetics of a book however I have to begin by saying whoever said you can't judge a book by its cover was wrong. The front cover and title of "Lord I'm Ready to Be a Wife" alone will stop prospective readers in their tracks and compel them to pluck the book off the booksellers' shelves. I also love the pocketbook friendly shape and size. Did I mention the cover is just plain pretty?

Now, about the content between the covers... Christine Pembleton has penned an absolute must-have for women who want to exchange their bride's maid's dresses for wedding gowns - and aren't ashamed to admit it! "Lord I'm Ready to Be a Wife" begins with Pembleton's confession that she was once stubborn, narrow-minded, and selfish. In addition to her personality flaws, Pembleton further discloses that she was clueless about how to behave in the presence of men and how to attractively adorn her self-described ample curves.

The Introduction describes how Christine Pembleton wisely bonded with an older woman who mentored her and "showed her the ropes" of attracting the right man for her. After two years of painstaking persistence on both their parts, Pembleton's gruff, devil-may-care attitude gradually gave way to kindness, patience and love-worthiness. Her "spiritual mother" also taught her how to embrace the woman God created her to be - resulting in a total makeover from the inside out, head to toe...and then she met and married the man of her dreams.

Pembleton uses the biblical recounts of Ruth, Rebekah, Queen Esther and the poetic caricature of the Proverbs 31 Woman as templates for modern women seeking blissful marriage. I would caution women who have a history of making poor relationship decisions not to discard the practical advice given throughout the book.

There is one chapter where Pembleton's intent seems to be to help women distinguish the benefits married women reap, from a girlfriend's investment which may not pay rewarding dividends. I am concerned that overly eager women might view this segment as "confirmation" that they should pursue marriage to a man who has a proven track record of being irresponsible; believing that their virtues will make up for deficiencies in his character. "Lord I'm Ready to Be a Wife" is filled with sound, prudent advice. I highly recommend it for single women and single women's groups.

Building a Financial Legacy

2008-09-10T08:04:00.001-07:00

I don't have a lot of regrets, but among the few is the fact that I spent the first half of my adult life disrespecting money and assuming it would always be available. I made a lot of unwise purchasing decisions and went about the business of personal finance blindly and without proper planning.

Consequently, I made a mess of my finances and nearly forfeited my future. I’m certain that many of you have heard a number of sermons, read books and attended at least one wealth building workshop. If so, I want to reinforce what you've learned by encouraging you to "kick it up a notch." I applaud those of you who are already operating in fiscal wisdom; but for those of you who may be headed down the same path that I was on; I implore you to make a U-turn immediately! Do whatever it takes to get yourself on not only stable, but fiscally fertile ground.

Step One: Take Ownership
For some, the following doesn't apply. But for anyone whose finances are bruised or in trouble because of something you've done, or perhaps failed to do, honestly admitting your error is the first step to recovery.

Step Two: Repent and Ask Forgiveness
Most of the time when we think of repentance and forgiveness, sins like lying, cheating, stealing, backbiting, etc. come to mind. But do you realize that misappropriating the monetary sustenance that God provides us with is a sin as well? Do you subscribe to God's financial premises or have you robbed Him of the tithes and offerings He requires? Malachi 3:10 KJV

Step Three: Identify Your Issues with Money
Money mishandling can stem from a number of different sources which could even be tied into your emotions. Sometimes people handle money recklessly for reasons that are rooted in anger or in an attempt to compensate for low self esteem. Ask God to give you the strength to take a cold, hard look at the how and why of your finances. If you earn a decent salary, but find that you're always chasing money - only to have it seemingly disappear, then there is an underlying issue that needs to be uprooted.

Step Four: Seek Wise Counsel
It's no secret that nearly everyone is feeling the affects of today's economic crunch. The extent to which you are having financial difficulties is relative to your own individual situation. You may be able to simply cut corners here and there to get your finances on track. But if you are drowning in debt, it would be wise to ask the Lord to direct you to a reputable financial professional who will help you map out a plan of salvation for your finances.

Step Five: Set Goals
The biggest mistake I made with my finances is not knowing where my money was going to end up. Sure, you know you have certain monthly bills that have to be paid or else you'll end up living in somebody's basement. You have to be able to accurately track your money. Most of us have Excel or a similar spreadsheet program already loaded onto our computers, but for those who need a template based program, perhaps you might do well by investing in an accounting program like Quicken. You will need to do some research to find which system works best for you.

Step Six: Get to Work!
Faith without works is dead. You can recite affirmations, consult the experts and pray three times a day facing the east all you want; but if you don't put legs on those prayers, affirmations and advice it's all for naught. If you're financially solid right now, consider enlarging your territory and build upon what you've established. But if you're in over your head and not earning enough money to pull yourself out of the hole, it might be necessary to seek a part-time job, start a typing service or do hair in your kitchen to earn extra money, for example. Who knows, this could turn out to be the catalyst to take you from a mundane, perhaps even worrisome life, to becoming a savvy money mogul.

Step Seven: LEAP!

In her book, Sisters are Cashing In, Marilyn French Hubbard, Ph.D. identifies the road to financial success as a "wealth-creation journey that enables you to gain both inner and external wealth." French Hubbard states that this journey requires you to believe in four principles: Love, Energy, Authenticity and Purpose, which form the acronym LEAP. She goes on to say "we have to love ourselves as we truly are, have energy for what we do, be authentic in our approach to life, be true to our word and (my favorite part) have a purpose and dream that makes us want to be bigger than who we are, to achieve something that benefits more people than just ourselves."

Declaration of Financial Empowerment

(an adaption of a submission from Black Enterprises Magazine).

"From this day forward, I declare my vigilant and lifelong commitment to financial empowerment and hereby pledge the following..."

1. I will bring my tithes to the storehouse.
2. I will use home ownership as a foundation for building wealth.
3. I will be proactive in managing my budget, credit, debt and tax obligations.
4. I will maximize my earning potential, live within my means and commit to saving and investing at least 10% of my income.
5. I will ensure that my investments are properly diversified and correspond to my current financial goals.
6. I will immediately commit to a program of retirement planning and investing.
7. I will preserve and protect my assets through proper financial and insurance planning.
8. I will ensure that my children receive a thorough education on financial and business matters.
9. I will ensure that my wealth is passed on to future generations through proper estate planning.
10. I will use a portion of my wealth to strengthen my community.

"A wise steward will not only manage her day-to-day financial operations prudently, but plans for her future and prepares an inheritance for her children's children."

Keep Him Covered!

2008-09-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

My husband tries to control me.

My husband isn't romantic.

My husband doesn't manage money well.

My husband won't go to church.

My husband isn't motivated.

My husband drinks/abuses drugs.

My husband puts his family and friends before me.

My husband can't find a job.

My husband is discouraged.

My husband isn't___doesn't___ can't ___ or won't __

Wise Wives,

You may be experiencing one of the situations listed above. Hopefully it's only for a season. But when it seems as if you've been weathering the storm for an unbearably long time, I recommend that you talk to the One who can do something about it. That is my theme, my battle cry and those are the words I stand on.

Women traditionally seek solace in each other by talking out our problems and frustrations among those we feel we can trust. In most cases that's a healthy way to avoid or reduce stress. It does wonders when you're feeling low, to be able to chat with a girlfriend who can just allow you to vent and not help you pack your bags every time your husband leaves the toilet seat up. However when there is a persistent, crucial issue that needs to be resolved it takes more than rounding up the girls for an afternoon or weekend long session of husband bashing.

As Christians we dutifully recite "the just shall live by faith" Romans 1:18 KJV and "now faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen" Hebrews 11:1 KJV but when the rubber meets the road we have to go beyond regurgitating a string of words many of us learned as children in Sunday School.

We're sometimes blindsided by a situation and don't have the opportunity to address it specifically in prayer. So those of us who haven't spouted celestial wings yet do whatever comes naturally. We argue, hurl accusations, yell, negotiate, throw a tantrum, plead, negotiate, etc. But after exhausting all known remedies to your husband's shortcomings, the most wise thing to do is to consult the Lord. Cover hubby with prayer in anticipation that the results will be blessings beyond what you could even have imagined.

There's more to covering your husband than just asking God to fix him. There's a clause, if you will. While you're on your knees reporting him to THE AUTHORITY, ask HIM (God) to show you yourself and how you really fit into the picture. Ask Him to shine the light on you and if you might be contributing to the situation that you're so perplexed about. Could you handle things better? Are things as bad as they seem or are you watching/listening to someone who is telling you they are? What are your true motives? In getting the answers to these questions you might learn that the change might actually need to come from you. Then again, that may not be the case. In any event, the prescription to cure a malfunctioning husband is a fully functioning prayer life.

While You Wait

Do you realize that the moment you got married, you received a heavenly promotion? You alone have been appointed the most powerful position on earth where your husband is concerned. That is to operate as his personal prayer warrior, his spiritual shield and covering. God honors and will hear the fervent, effectual prayers of a woman who is petitioning Him on behalf of the man He gave her. Your prayer warrior position requires that you pray for him day in and day out, in season and out of season. Even, and perhaps especially, after he's angered or hurt you. I said after because I know there are only a select few who can pray while they are in the midst of an emotionally charged conversation or situation. But when you've had an opportunity to create some distance between yourself and the controversy, prayer is in order. There is no value in spitting out a of sarcastic imitation of prayer during the heat of an argument with your husband, just to show him that you're holier than he is. They call that hypocrisy.

Certainly you'll want God to save an unsaved or backslidden husband; but even husbands whose Holy Ghost is dripping from their coat tails need to be covered in prayer. In the most ideal marital situations, it is the wife's duty to consistently keep the shepherd of her home lifted in prayer. Pray for the Lord's anointing, plead the blood of Jesus for natural as well as spiritual protection. Pray for his finances, pray for him as a decision maker.

Also pray for people and situations that concern him. Pray for those he reports to - and for those who report to him, his co-workers. Pray for your in-laws, his friends and others who he is influenced by. Pray for his heart (men are masters at camouflaging their emotions). Pray for his dreams, that those seemingly impossible doors be opened for him.

Pray for every aspect of your husband's life, believing the outcome with be fulfilled, according to God's perfect will. If you feel your prayers are bouncing, enlist a seasoned, reputable prayer partner, perhaps an older woman who you know is rooted and grounded in the Word.

Walk in Victory

Speak in the affirmative. Act as though the work is already done. Operate as if your life depended upon your belief in the prayers you pray. Be a living example of the addage that says your attitude determines your altitude.

BFFs

2008-08-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

Behold how good and pleasant it is for bretheren to dwell together in unity! Psalm 133:1

The following poem circulates on the internet perpetually. I felt it appropriate to include in this blog.

"Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles arebetweenyou. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it byyourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters,sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, andextended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the samewithout women, and neither would I."

Many wives say that their husbands are their best friends, your's truly included. Additionally, I am blessed to have several BFFs (Best Friends Forever). They are ladies in my circle of influence who are near and dear to my heart. Some of them are my age, some young enough to be my daughters, some seasoned enough to be my mothers. Some of them have become my friends within the past couple of years, others within the last twenty years; and then there are those precious jewels who have been my girlfriends since we all had waistlines (my BFF Thomasina still has a waistline, and I think she can probably still do a cartwheel). All of my friends are a necessary part of my life but not necessarily at the same time. I'm bound to my girlfriends by the interests we share; by business ventures, church or community involvement. One thing we all have in common is the love of Christ.

I've been told that you can only have one or two real friends and for most that might be true. Fortunately the relationships I have with the women I'm referring to have stood the proverbial test of time. I've also enjoyed short term, transitional relationships which were meaningful for the season in which they took place.

A woman who like me, has been blessed to have a loving, supportive husband and nuclear family is fortunate indeed. And I don't take that privilege lightly. It's such a treat for me to be in the company of my true, got-your-back-no-matter-what girlfriends.

I've heard women say I just don't trust other women or I don't get along with other women and I feel sad for them. Women who subscribe to the philosophy of mistrusting or avoiding friendship with other women based solely upon their gender have either had a very bad experience or have been trained to think that way from an early age.

Women have told me they don't trust other females or have girlfriends because the girl I thought was my best friend stole my boyfriend/baby's daddy/husband. They cut the friend off (and rightfully so) but let the cheating man off the hook with some sort of warning - placing the weight of the blame on the woman.

Food for thought: Some women will deny themselves the pleasure of having meaningful friendships with deserving women because they don't want to risk getting burned again, but continue to get involved in toxic relationships with the same man in a different suit.

But, as they say I digress to the benefits of having a girlfriend or two in your life. There are things you can share with your girlfriend that your husband can't - and doesn't even want to relate to. For example, your hormonal issues, the way the guy in the next cubicle is trying to take credit for your hard work, the woman in the alto section who you think gives your husband way too much attention... Those are conversations men often dismiss as "emotional" or as"female paranoia" - and sometimes they may even be right. I often tell my husband he can't relate to some of my feelings and opinions because he doesn't have a uterus! It's wonderful though, to have the freedom to bounce our feelings, be they ligitmate or not, off your girlfriends.

You can be real with your girlfriends; you don't ever have to be on. No age group has a monopoly on geniune relationships. They can be enjoyed during with the Pimply PMSing teen years, the neurotic, psychotic 20s, the Think-you've-got-it-all-together 30s, the Fierce 40s and, where I am today, the Fabulous 50s.

As with any relationship, the time spent and energies invested in establishing, cultivating and maintaining a relationship with girlfriends requires prioritizing and balance. You can't neglect your household, work or family in favor or your girlfriend, unless of course she is in crisis mode. In that same vane, the woman your kids call "Auntie" should not be sitting at your kitchen table every time your husband comes in from work and you shouldn't be running over to her house all of the time. There isn't a set calculation for what is considered reasonable and what is not. That is dictated by the needs of your household and should be agreed upon between you and your husband.

Imagine your life as a scaled down dart board. In the center, the bullseye, is Jesus, your spiritual core, the next "ring" represents your husband, then your family. The rings don't end there, and neither does your life. Our total being is made up of many components. Work, personal interests and non-nuclear relationships are among those components. A woman who excludes rich external relationships may not be aware of the myriad of benefits derived from having at least one BFF.

I encourage the outlets of lunch dates, chick flick nights, women's retreat, pamper parties, etc. Being involved with girlfriends in the proper context, can help you as a wife to maintain a sense of self and simply adds joy. If you're a person who can't get into female relationships, but would like to, email me and perhaps we can get to the root of the matter.

I conduct a powerful workshop for women entitled, Your Slip Is Showing, which addresses the development and maintenance of agape friendships between women. For information about how you can bring Your Slip Is Showing to your women's group, email me at wisdomforwives@gmail.com.

By the way in case you were wondering, the little ladies in the picture are two of my eight granddaughters.

Take a Time Out!

2008-08-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

Fatigue: Refueling for Renewed Service

Fatigue can make a "nag" of anyone! Nothing goes further to make a woman less able to cope with unruly children, household or job crises and thousands of other mudane irritations. Scripture offers ways for women to reduce fatigue and avoid weariness.

Support from an understanding husband or close friend helps you handle pressue and stree more effectively. Knowing that someone not only knows about the burden but comes along to help you bear up under the load makes every crisis more tolerable.

Women are refreshed and invigorated by being able to walk away from burdens even if it's just for a few hours. Such time for yourself can provide renewal of energies and revival of spirt and can produce creativity and stimulate productivity.

Women need to guard against overcommitment. Even good and godly pursuits must be weighed against the purposes of God. You must learn to say "no," determine to slow your frantic pace, resist the temptation to add more and more to your schedule. Busyness is not necessarily godliness. Perhaps your "R and R" should be Reprioritizing responsibilities and Rethinking free time.

Being tired is a physical affliction. Being weary, on the other hand is a spiritual attitude that results in part from blaming God for your own sinfulness. Life will never free you from fatigue, but fatigue can bring you to the point of setting aside the mundane cares of the world in order to open your heart and sould to the Lord. God can use fatigue to:

Cause you to look to Him for satisfaction

Administer correct as He pulls back His hand of strength to force you to slow down for refueling, and

Prepare you for a greater challenge.

God has promised to satisfy the weary sould and replenish faithfully the sorrowful heart. Sometimes that means "He makes me to lie down". Physical frailties may cause you to miss earthly fun and fellowship, but spirutal resources will enable you to grow stronger on the bed of affliction.

Split Second Bible Lesson: Mary and Martha

Martha's Viewpoint

When we visit friends and relatives we have a good idea of how they think and act. Jesus was no different. He appreciated the differences among His three friends and felt comfortable enough to offer constructive advice as to their priorities.

Martha's outlook on life was quite different from Mary's. It is possible that Martha was older and that her age figured into her personality and perspective. Martha's words and actions depict her as practical and efficient. Nothing is wrong with being practical and efficient if it doesn't interfere with the more important things in life. If it does, it can become a problem. God recorded important examples for us in Scripture (1 Corinthians 10:11), so we can learn from Martha's and Mary's recorded actions.

Mary's outlook
"And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus' feet and heard His word" (verse 39). If one were to read no further, one could assume Mary may have been a little lazy, leaving the needs of hospitality and hostess to her gregarious sister. It was Martha who invited Jesus into their home. It was Mary who simply sat at Jesus' feet, listening to Him talk. Who was the more hospitable, the more sociable? Who was more concerned about serving her Savior, Martha or Mary?

Maybe Mary was shy. But we should consider Jesus' evaluation of Mary's actions. "But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, 'Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.' And Jesus answered and said to her, 'Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her " (Luke 10:40-42).

In a nutshell, Jesus reminded Martha, the hostess-with-the-mostess, that while He appreciated all that she was doing for Him, she was missing out on things that matter most...The "good part which will not be taken away from her."

The key is to value the investment of being still, taking time out to hear from God; to rest the body and to commune with those we love.

Pressed Down, Shaken Together and Running Over!

2008-08-11T05:04:00.000-07:00

Simply by virtue of the fact that you're able to sit in front of a computer and read this blog is testimony that you are abundantly blessed! It might not seem like it with today's fragile economy. After all, it was just a short while ago when we could spend $100.00 and bring home a trunk full of food. Nowadays you're fortunate if we're able to bring home half of that amount. Nevertheless we're blessed with abundance. Your abundance might not be the same as mine. Yours might be in clothing, whereas I happen to have an abundance of books. Some abundance is intangible, such as wisdom or talent.

Right now you might not recognize your abundance. Perhaps your bank statements don't reflect abundance, or maybe a turbulent climate in your household or on the job has clouded your ability to recognize your overflow. If that is the case it might not look like it, it certainly doesn't feel like it and as you read this you might be composing a list of "have nots" to refute my claim. Before you do that, take inventory of your blessings, both tangible and intangible.

So you say alright Venus, I've taken inventory and yes you're right, I have a lot of ____ and quite a bit of ____. Now what? I still don't have... peace on the job, money to pay my tuition, etc. To that I pose a question to you. What are you doing with your abundance? Hoarding it? Sitting on it? How about blessing someone with your overflow? It's a way to show the Lord your appreciation for the abundance He has blessed you with.

The Lord has this wonderful way of blessing us when and where we least expect Him to. A while back, I was an independent sales representative for a cosmetics company. I kept quite a bit of my inventory on the built-in shelves and cabinets in my home office. When I decided to end my cosmetics sales career, I still had a large amount of inventory that I couldn't possibly keep for personal use and I wanted to reclaim my shelves for books (and to expand my teapot collection). My first thought was to have some sort of clearance sale, but instead the Lord brought to mind that there are women in shelters who could be blessed with those items so I got on the telephone and contacted a wonderful organization here in Detroit that provides temporary housing to women who are victims of domestic violence. Upon speaking with the director of the facility I shipped several boxes of cosmetics. A short time afterward I received a very touching letter from the shelter, thanking me on behalf of their guests. The director shared with me that the women were delighted to receive those small but uplifting items, mostly because it let them know that someone cared about them. I, in turn am can truly boast of being continuously blessed with both spiritual, and natural abundance. As the saying goes, I might not have everything that I want, but I have everything that I need...and then some.

How about you? Is there a there a cluttered drawer or closet you've been promising to purge? Do you have an extra hour per week to visit a lonely senior or to volunteer to read at a pre-school? You might have an abundance of knowledge in a particular subject that you can pass on to someone else for their benefit.

Our generous heavenly Father has established a phenomenal principle of reciprocity. Bear in mind that abundance doesn't necessarily translate into houses and land or dollars and cents, mine certainly doesn't. Sometimes He repays us with the feeling gratification that only comes when you've know you've sown good seeds into someone else's life. That as they say, is priceless.

Split Second Bible Lesson

Those counted among the poor were the needy, the weak and those who were dependent - the orphans and the widows who were usually in the lower social classes and in need of protection from abuse and neglect. Virtually every prophet of the Old Testament prophesied against those who wrongfully oppressed the poor.

God provided for the poor through His principle of gleaning. Landowners were instructed to leave the remaining grain around the outer perimeters of the fields for the poor to gather. The courts, too, were admonished to deal justly with the poor.

Every Christian will be held accountable for how she has responded to those in need. One of the ways to judge relationship to Christ is how we respond to the hungry, the lonely, the naked and the low in spirit.

The first step to having our own needs met is to become poor in spirit recognizing that every heart separated from God is in spiritual poverty, which is far more tragic than physical poverty. The Lord has promised to provide freely for His children...and He uses us as conduits to provide those blessings one to another in time of need.

Read: Jer. 22:13-16, Matt. 25:31-46, and Acts. 6:1-6

Today's Pearls of Wisdom - The P31 Wife

2008-07-29T05:00:00.001-07:00

You know her type. The house is immaculately clean. I mean the-Pastor's-Coming-Over-For-Dinner clean...every day! Her pantry resembles the shelves in a grocery store. Her flowers and landscaping are Home Tour calibre, and she grows her own vegetable garden. Her kids are well behaved, speak in complete sentences and even make eye contact when talking to adults. Her check book is always balanced and the bills are paid before the due date. This woman is or-gan-ized! Did I mention that she always smells like freshly baked pastry?

She's got this calendar thingy on her refrigerator that is color-coded so that there is no room for error in schedules and chore assignments. She's the Proverbs 31 Woman of the 21st Century and almost my complete opposite.

My mother-in-law, God rest her soul, was her generation's P31 Woman. The house my husband grew up in always looked like a show room and for years, he had a hard time understanding why I couldn't get it together the way his mother did. After all, she too had a full time j-o-b, was active in her church, and was also raising kids...and a husband (smile). So what was wrong with me? I wondered the same thing for years. Then one day it dawned on me that I simply wasn't her. Nor was I the blessed saint who raised me - my grandmother who also ran her house like a well oiled machine.

When I became a wife (again) some 23 years ago, I starting making futile attempts to keep all the balls in the air at once. I could probably pay a car note with the money I've spent on dry erase boards, Franklin Planners and other tools to help organize this circus I run on the corner of Wildemere and Thatcher.

After years of failure to become a Proverbs 31 Woman, I recognized that the blaring difference between me and the P31Women I know was not skills, but rather the choices we make in how we spend our time. Unlike the P31s, I spend a lot of time interacting with, and hands-on care for my family. On the other hand, the P31s tend spend much of their time doing, while I choose to spend more time being. This is not to be construed as an indictment against the Proud, the Few, the P31s; it's simply an observation of human nature.

My husband admitted that his childhood home was clean, almost sterile and so was the family's level of interaction. There were no story times, toys were shelved and on display in their original packaging rather than played with. Hugs and kisses were reserved for infants and toddlers. Conversation at the dinner table was limited mostly to the adults.

When I realized all of this, I chose to free myself from the guilt of not being a perfect housekeeper, but rather to enjoy my health, my family and the things I love being. I realize that revelation still doesn't afford me a license to be a slob. I learned to incorporate tools and habits which make my household what I like to refer to as organized chaos. My house is clean but not always neat. This year my garden is admittedly pitiful. Nevertheless my grandchildren and I splash about in their inflatable pool, hula-hoop, and make sorry replicas of sand castles like nobody's business.

I've just about mastered the art of multi-tasking. For example, I often take my laptop out onto the deck and chip away at my novels and blogs while the children play in the safety of our backyard. I do loads of laundry and serve my mom's lunch between episodes of Mr. Rogers and Caillou; and I still manage to crank dinner out at least five nights per week. That's in addition to my mom's breakfast, lunch and meds e-v-e-r-y day! Maybe that qualifies me to at least be an Associate P31 or a Suffragan P31.

A Word of Advice:
I would venture to guess that most of my readers are newlyweds or have very young families. At this stage in life it seems very important to please EVERYBODY. But I caution you to be sure to make relationships and quality time with your family a priority. If not, trust me one day you will look up from that mop pail and see a pair of long legs attached to the stranger who used to be your baby. The same one who currently paints your walls with peanut butter and jelly. Kids grow up way too fast. Enjoy these precious times while they're little because with kids, there are no do-overs. I wouldn't trade the love, joy and laughter we share for all of floors so clean you can eat off them and the neatly-folded-April-fresh laundry in the world.

Some of you might be feeling that you just don't measure up. Pray and ask the Lord to reveal what level of Proverbs 31 Woman He has made you to be. Perhaps you need strengthening and training in some areas, perhaps you need to substitute some activities for others. He will let you know just what is needed for your family. It's fine to have a role model as a template for how to run your house, but a Wise Wife realizes that one of the most detrimental things she can do is to measure her success or failure by someone else. Personally, I'm striving but not stressing to join the ranks for the blessed and highly organized.

Tip: There is a wonderful online community which offers a plethera of information and helpful hints for running your household more efficiently. Check it out! http://flylady.net/

Split Second Bible Lesson

In Proverbs 31, King Lemuel's sweet and well-meaning mother spelled out the characteristics of the woman he should consider marrying. She tediously listed the attributes that he should look for in the woman deemed worthy of carrying his honorable name and bearing his strapping sons and dainty daughters. I shared in a previous blog (dated June 18, 2008) that I did something very similar years ago when seeking the Lord for my perfect mate. The Queen Mother described a conglomerate of perfected traits that all of us wish we possessed. However when doing so, she was not gazing across a flowery meadow and pointing out an identifiable fair maiden. What mother wouldn't want her future daughter-in-law to be all that? The P31 Woman was, as described, a rare jewel... illusive and perhaps even non-existent in totality.

The virtuous wife/homemaker/entrepreneur described in Proverbs 31 is by all means a role model by which every Christian woman should aim for. We have to keep in mind that, as with all other aspects of our lives, we are a perpetual work in progress. So if and when we fall short of our aspirations to reach P31 status, we should not wallow in our shortcomings, but rather reevaluate our goals and continuously seek to understand God's perfect will for our lives. By the way, have you ever noted the fact the Proverbs 31 woman had servants?

Our God is loving, compassionate, all-seeing and all-knowing. He is even aware when we're perplexed about how to get grape juice stains out of little Kenya's pink church dress. We're instructed to take His yoke upon us for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30. In the meantime we are to acknowledge Him in all things, including what we consider the big as well as the small. Proverbs 3:3-5. So while we are busy going about His business, He is taking care of ours...no matter how trivial we might think it to be.

Fiction Friday - Featured Author Vanessa Davis Griggs

2008-07-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

In Vanessa Davis Griggs' eagerly anticipated sequel to Promises Beyond Jordan, Pastor George Landris is back, but this time he's sharing the spotlight with a family of strong-willed, true-to-life women who must struggle to overcome wounded spirits and severed ties. Richly populated with complex, unforgettable characters, Wings of Grace is a fresh and engaging novel, Griggs' finest to date.

Because Lena Patterson never enjoyed a fulfilling relationship with her mother, she is determined to break the cycle and be there one-hundred percent for her now-pregnant daughter, Theresa. Raised by her strong and loving grandmother, Lena looks forward to playing a central role in her own grandchild's life. Then an older woman shows up on Theresa's doorstep looking for Lena. Lena is dubious, convinced that the woman is just looking to get her hands on an heirloom necklace. As painful memories from the distant past re-emerge, the ties that bind a mother to her daughter seem primed to endure a wrenching test.

Meanwhile, wedding bells are fast approaching for Pastor Landris and his fiancée, writer Johnnie Mae Taylor. But circumstances are taking shape that threatens to place Landris's pastorship, and his life, in grave jeopardy. Johnnie Mae, for her part, has embarked on a journey of her own. Performing research for an upcoming book, she crosses paths with Sarah Fleming, an old woman whose story will expose a range of startling truths and, ultimately, reshape the nature of Johnnie Mae's faith.

Wednesday Wisdom for Wives - Humility

2008-07-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

A while back, the Lord gave me a clear, concise directive: Humble Yourself. I'm the first to admit that I thought myself to be ok in the Humility Department, but since I don't claim to know more than God does, I simply said, "yes Lord." Realizing that I'm a work in progress, I am seeking His face to show me the areas in which I need to improve and I've been led to share my thoughts, observances and experience with you as well. Perhaps there is one among you who also feels a tug at your heart to take it down a notch.

One of the most effective ways any of us can win a heart, an argument or a soul is through genuine humility. There is no greater turn off than a person who is puffed up and full of him or herself. In women it is unattractive and can be detrimental to relationships with those we care the most about.

In the case of proving a point, I found that there are four deadly words... I told you so. When it turns out that you indeed were right and your husband was wrong, it doesn't add any value for you to gloat. What can be gained by holding it over his head if you have more education or a better paying job than your husband?

Humility begats humility. Like any other aspect of our lives, we need to study our husbands. You will learn that there are some things that remain constants. For example, my husband is not big on asking for directions when road traveling so sometimes we wind up taking "the scenic route." There was a time when I would have yakked his head off and maybe renamed him wrongway. But now I simply keep some good reading and a journal in our vehicles. Unless our destination is time sensitive I just relax and try to enjoy the ride.

If you pay close attention, you'll notice that the enemy also tends to be a creature of habit and when he finds your Achilles' Heel he will try to use it against you many times over. Note the key words, phrases and behavior that cause conflict between you and your spouse; make a conscientious effort to resist the urge to tell him off or rub his nose in it when he errs. Strive along with me to maintain a Christ-like attitude when tempted to show off, or let him have it.

True Story...

Many years ago, a saved sisterfriend of mine served the Lord day in and day out. However, her husband didn't attend church and had no plans of ever becoming a bible-toting Christian. While my friend confidently prayed for her husband's salvation and deliverance, she went about the business of serving the Lord and faithfully discharging her responsibilities on the homefront. She invited him to worship services and church functions but never nagged or preached hell-fire and brimstone when he declined.

He occasionally agreed to attend outings and functions sponsored by, but not held at the church. In 2003, the Lord drew this reluctant husband to Himself during our marriage retreat. By being faithful to God and maintaining a humble spirit, this Wise Wife won her unsaved husband's soul to Christ and solidified their marriage.

As wives, it is our responsibility to set the tone of the household. Any chicken head can plant her hands on her hips and gloat or verbally attack her husband. It is noteworhty that being humble does not equate being subservient but rather; a Wise Wife is a women who is strong, confident in who she is and is controlled by the Holy Spirit.

Split-Second Bible Lesson: Esther Chapters 1 - 10

In today's vernacular, Queen Vashti blew it! She was puffed up and pride filled, she thought she was "all that." However her pride and vanity caused her to lose her plum status and was replaced by Esther, a young orphaned Jewish woman whose humility and obedience to God and to her uncle/surrogate father, Mordecai blessed her and enabled her to be a blessing to many others. Her humility and godly obedience led to the deliverance of an entire nation which had been targeted for annihilation. On the other hand, Vashti's high and haughty attitude caused her to be stripped of her title and evicted from the posh amentities and lifestyle she had become accustomed to.

A man's pride shall bring him low; but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit. Proverbs 29:23 (KJV)

Fiction Friday - Featured Author, Delores Phillips

2008-07-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

The Darkest Child - A Must Read!

Someone must have pressed the fast forward button on summer. I went shopping today and was saddened to see that they've already started putting out school supplies! I still haven't set out my pink wax begonias and fuschia colored impatiens for goodness sake.

Nevertheless, the powers-that-be have deemed summer half over and we'd better squeeze every bit of joy that we can out of it. Those of us who live in the mid-west will be scaping ice off our windshields and opening heating bills with our fingers crossed all too soon.

But for the time being, it's sizzling. A Wise Wife realizes that "me time" is not an option, but rather a requirement. During this season of sweltering heat, I recommend that you treat the kids to an entire day out with dad. Once you have the house to yourself set the ringer on your telephone to silent then indulge in a cooling, soothing shower. Afterward, retreat to your favorite at-home sanctuary with a pitcher of something cold and delicious; then lose yourself in a riveting novel. Enjoy!

Venus' Picks

Cool Down Shower: Plain, old school Noxema on a netted sponge
Scented candle: Glade's Suddenly Spring
Novel: the Darkest Child, by Delores Phillips

Venus' Really Easy and Delicious Watermelon Lemonade - did I mention it's easy?

In a blender or food processor, puree 3-4 cups seedless watermelon and set aside
Prepare a pitcher of Countrytime Lemonade mix according to directions on the container
Stir puree'd melon into the pitcher of Countrytime
Optional: Add lemon and/or lime slices
Serve over ice
*Frozen melon balls or strawberries can be substituted for ice cubes

About the Darkest Child...
Prior to the completion of my debut novel, Brown Paper Bag, I visited a local Border's bookstore to visualize where my book will be placed when it hits their shelves. This is part of what I refer to as Dream Casting. As I sought my bookstore real estate in the African American Fiction section, my attention was drawn to the cover of this book. From the cover alone I knew it was destined to become a part of my permanent library. Wise Wives, I've never formally compiled a list of my all-time favorite novels, but if I ever do I can guarantee that the Darkest Child will be among the top ten.

Phillips is an author I've not had the pleasure of meeting or even exchanging emails with. She's a complete mystery to me and trust me I can usually track an author down when I'm in love with their work. Nevertheless, this novel is an absolute must read. Your emotions will run high, deep and wide! I must warn you, this is NOT a feel good book! It is powerful, ugly and brutal. Your heart will want to tuck it away someplace between the warm and fuzzies, but your mind won't allow you to put it down. It pulls the covers off the bed of family dysfunction, racism and human cruelty.

The following will link you to a synopsis and reviews from Amazon.com. http://www.amazon.com/review/product/1569473455/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_1

Fiction Friday - Featured Author Marilynn Griffith

2008-07-10T08:11:00.000-07:00

It's Friday and it's hot and so is Marilyn Griffith's soon to be released novel, Rhythms of Grace. I had the esteemed pleasure to receive a review copy and Wise Wives let me share my "Testimony" ...it's an absolute must read! I dare not give away the details, just trust me you will not be disappointed.

Since we're in the midst of super hot weather I'd like to recommend that you enjoy this one poolside (even if you have to dangle your feet in the kiddies' wading pool) while sipping on a tall cool drink. My recommendation, Plantation Tea (which by the way is mentioned in my novel, Brown Paper Bag)

Recipe for Plantation Tea
12 tea bags
3 bunches of mint leaves
3 c sugar
2 c lemon juice
1 qt pineapple juice
4 liters ginger ale

Boil 3 1/2 gallons water. Add the tea, mint and sugar. Allow to steep for 30 minutes. Remove bags and leaves. Refrigerate. Just before serving, add lemon juice, pineapple juice and ginger ale. Splash over ice. Stay cool and enjoy!

RHYTHMS OF GRACE

Revell Books

August 2008

0800732782

$12.99 US

Learn more about Marilynn Griffith http://marilynngriffith.com/

ABOUT THE BOOK
Grace Okoye was a promising young dancer when her career was cut short by a brutal assault that left her scarred for life. Twenty years later, when her past gets in the way of her happiness, she heeds the invitation of her dance instructor and returns home to help hurting children and rediscover the rhythms of grace. What she doesn't expect is to meet a man who already seems to know her beat. But for all they share in common, the biggest thing in Grace's life is noticeably absent in his--faith. She's finally found the love of her life, but can she choose between him and God?
Real, raw emotion and the promise of redemption run through this soulful new book from Marilynn Griffith. Though being published in 2008, this is the first novel Marilynn ever completed and early readers think it's her best work to date.

My 2 Cents about Money and Communication

2008-07-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

In the marriage enrichment sessions my husband Rick and I facilitate, Communication always presents itself as a challenge.

For a couple to say that they have problems communicating may be misleading. They could be communicating with each other perfectly well about religion and careers, but are not able to express themselves effectively about child rearing and intimacy.

In a previous blog, I asked for specific communication challenges and you provided me with plenty of them. One Wise Wife shared with me that Money is an area she and her hubby often find themselves at an impasse about.

I'm going to answer from an assumed viewpoint that both parties are willing to admit there is room for improvement and are open to trying a new thing.

Let's use the following scenario as an example:

Khalil and Ebony have been married for 8 years, have a pre-schooler, a 1st grader, and they have shared custody of Khalil's 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. They are purchasing a home, leasing one car and buying another one.

In the beginning of their marriage they decided who would be responsible for which bills and had been able to pay all of their bills, save money and even have a little left over to play with. Ebony was accustomed to having her hair salon-styled every week, and splurging on the children. Khalil boasts that he is a Golfoholic and has maintained a golf club membership for years.

Recently, Khalil's employer cut his hours, which has affected his take-home pay considerably. It's become obvious that they are headed for serious financial problems. Although their income has changed, their money management style has not been adjusted accordingly.

Ebony recently noticed an increase in the frequency of calls from creditors. She has also noted that their mail has gotten a lot more colorful and the envelopes have messages stamped on the outside stating Time-Sensitive! and Urgent!

Ebony has made a couple of unsuccessful attempts to discuss the household finances with Khalil. He simply dismisses her saying, "I got this." Both times she ended up sleeping in the kids' room and not speaking to him for days. She took the initiative to cut her salon visits to twice a month and began to be more diligent in searching for ways to cut corners. She is disappointed that she has seen no evidence that Khalil is doing the same. She is reluctant to initiate another conversation, fearing a threepeat of the her prior attempts. However, she realizes that if they don't do something soon, they'll end up in Debtor's Jail.

My 2 Cents:
The wisest thing a wife can do when she has to have a difficult discussion with her husband is to pray. Rather than getting on the phone with our mom or girlfriends to talk about how our husband has done it again, we first have to have what I refer to as a vertical chat - talk to the one who can do something about it.

When having a hard discussion with your other half, keep in mind that a soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (KJV)

When it comes to certain topics, sometimes it seems that a meeting of the minds is impossible. However, as Christian wives we must have the type of love for our husbands and faith in God that believes for the impossible.

I created the following acronym which couples should incorporate during sensitive discussions.

Pay attention when your spouse is speaking
Respect each other's feelings and opinions
Acknowledge your own flaws
Yield to the Holy Spirit which will guide you concerning all things

Experience has taught me that one common shortfall in marriage is that couples don't plan for the what ifs. It would appear that this couple actually didn't do much planning at all and were operating in the "now." As Christians, we tend to shy away from preparing for possible hard times for fear that it somehow shows a lack of faith.

Khalil may feel that their financial woes indicate that he has failed as a provider. He might also feel that a discussion will lead to him having to fully disclose his spending habits to his wife. He may perceive that as having to give up a certain amount of control. If he is not willing to discuss the situation with his wife, he may be operating from a mounting number of destructive, misguided perceptions. Proverbs 16:18 (KJV) says that Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

A Wise Wife realizes that this unpleasant conversation has GOT to take place; however she also has to exercise wisdom when approaching her husband. No one wants to feel they are under attack in their own home. It is better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24 (KJV)

Timing and follow up are key factors. You may not want to start a conversation about the bills while your husband is watching a football game. You also might want to ask God to restrain you from pouncing on him if you've just overheard him on the phone negotiating a payment extension of a delinquent bill that you weren't aware even exisited.

If you don't already know the best time and setting to discuss delicate subjects with your hubby, try asking him. I often have to make an appointment with Rick to discuss subjects that I know he'd rather not talk about at all.

Once you've agreed upon a time and setting to talk about your finances, [or any other difficult topic] follow up by confirming with hubby that you're still on for the date and time you agreed upon. "I understood you correctly when you said we'd talk about our finances Thursday night after dinner, right honey?"

Know your husband's hot buttons. Right, wrong or indifferent, if you've been married more than a day, you already know that certain words set your husband off! Avoid them, particularly accusatory words, name calling (and for God's sake don't play the dozens). Remember, your spouse is not your enemy.

Be ready to offer a solution. Your husband is the head of your household and HE is the one God holds responsible for your family. You can't shove your suggestion down his throat - even if it is the best possible solution to your dilemma. You can, however gently and prayerfully coach him toward seeing things your way.

Acknowledge your own errors. There is nothing more disarming to someone who has positioned themselves for a fight than for you to simply admit your own contribution to a bad situation. Years ago when my daughter LaKeisha was a pre-teen, I had my ammunition locked and loaded and was about to let her have it about something she'd done (or maybe didn't do). I charged her with the offense and she simply said to me "you're right." That let all the air out of my balloon. I was so outdone I can't even remember how the conversation ended, but I do remember that I respected her for owning up to her error rather than being defensive and making excuses.

Over the years I learned to incorporate that simple principle when communicating with my husband. I think it sometimes blows his mind when instead of, as he puts it, getting with him, I tell him he's right. Bear in mind I only do this when I actually have made the error and he is right. I am not an advocate of patronization and manipulation. One trait of a Wise Wife is genuine humility.

Don't be afraid to apologize. Only a fool believes she never makes a mistake so when you know you've blown it, take the high road. Say you're sorry and move on. If you're not already in the habit of admitting you're wrong, it might sound like someone else's words are coming out of your mouth. Keep doing it though, it's very freeing and rewarding. Your hubby might gloat initially, but when he sees that you're committed to admitting your mistakes and apologizing for them, he will [most likely] follow your example in time.

Make him feel comfortable about talking to you. Sometimes men don't want to discuss "sticky situations" with their wives because some women have a tendency to nag and belittle them. Men are not much for talking anyway so you certainly don't want to give him an excuse for not talking to you. As often as possible, appeal to your husband's ego during the conversation. Interject TRUE statements like, that's a good idea, that might work or I never thought about doing it that way.

However when you disagree with what he is saying, let him know but do it respectfully and try to remain calm. If you see that the conversation is deteriorating - end it. "Ok, I see that we're both getting upset and I don't want us to argue. Let's table this for now."

That's when you HUSH - no matter what he says from that point on. Nobody can argue by themselves. My grandmother once told me that when she was growing up, (circa 1915-30) the married women would fill their mouths with water in order to keep from talking back to their husbands. Of course I don't recommend anything that drastic, but a reasonable amount of prudence should be exercised in order to keep the peace when it's obvious that an argument is brewing.

Be ready and willing to forgive. This may take a LOT of prayer. If you're husband spent the rent money on something frivolous like a sound system, you might not be able to shrug it off but it's necessary. We're in it to when it - marriage that is. Also, you never know when you'll be the one in the hot seat. You'll want your husband to be "lenient" with you. Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Matthew 5:7

Finally, never underestimate the power of feminine influence! (wink)

Split Second Bible Lesson:

Feminine influence has endured the ages. Read about Ruth and Queen Esther in contrast with Delilah, Salome...oh and Eve

Fiction Friday - Featured Author, Sherri Lewis

2008-07-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ok Wise Wives, after the barbecues, the fireworks and all of the July 4th festivities, wind down by pampering yourself. Light a scented candle, take a luxurious bath or shower, message your skin with something than smells YUMMY, then put on your most COMFORTABLE lounging outfit. Afterward, pour yourself a cup of your finest tea, curl up in your favorite chair...then relax with a good novel.

Vee's picks of the week...

My Bath and Body Products: Almond Cookie Shower Gel and Almond Cookie Shea Souffle' by Carol's Daughter
My Read of the Week: My Soul Cries Out, by Sherri Lewis
My Tea: Egyptian Chamomile with raw sugar and a hint of cinnamon
My Candle: Moonlit Walk & Wandering Stream

Enjoy!

Learn more about Sherri...http://sherrilewis.com/

My Soul Cries Out Excerpt...

1
The worst day of my life was the day I caught my husband cheating on me.
You know those movies where the wife forgets some important papers for work and comes home in the middle of the day to get them, only to find her husband in bed with her best friend?
I should have been so lucky.
I opened the fridge to get a bite to eat before going back to the office. That’s when I heard it.
The bumping.
Not a regular foot-shuffling bumping like someone walking around. This bumping had a rhythm to it. A beat.
I stepped into the dining room and stared at the ceiling. The noise came from the master bedroom, directly overhead. Women’s intuition rose from my belly to form a lump in my chest that ascended to my throat. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention.
I tried to reason away the knowing in my head. My husband, Kevin, usually spent the one Saturday a month I worked playing basketball or writing music. Yeah, that was it. He was pounding out the beat to a new song with his size 13 feet.
In the bedroom. Instead of his studio down the hall. Where he usually wrote music.
I tipped toward the steps, hardly able to breathe. Movie clips of guilty husbands and shocked wives flashed through my mind. Which one of my friends would it be? Or I bet it was Janine, the cutesy little soprano who sang all the leads in the church choir. During every rehearsal, she batted her eyelashes at Kevin and always needed him to stay after to help her get her solo right. I knew she was a skank ho.
I dragged my feet up the steps, fighting to lift them as I got closer to the top. I wasn’t sure of the protocol for such a situation. Did I throw the door open and cry, “Aha, I caught you!” Did I knock on the door and wait for them to get dressed and come out and admit their crime?
Nothing in my life could have ever prepared me for what I saw when I swung the door open and sang out, “Honey, I’m home.”
Imagine my surprise when I realized that the she I thought she would be was actually… a he.
I had never fainted before – but then again, I had never caught my husband of two years cheating with the guy who was supposed to be his closest “friend.” They were close all right. Closer than two men should ever be.
When I opened my eyes, they were both scrambling to pull on some clothes – eyes wide, mouths hanging open. I took a deep breath, made sure I didn’t have any life threatening injuries, jumped up and went to swinging.
“Wait, let me explain!” Kevin held up his arms to ward off my blows.
“Explain? What could you possibly explain? I’ve seen enough to know there’s no explanation you could possibly come up with that could begin to explain what I just saw.”
I searched the room for something to swing. Why hurt my hands? I threw books, hangers, a lamp – one of those big floor ones – anything I could get my hands on. I caught Kevin right above the eye with my alarm clock. I felt triumphant when blood trickled down his cheek.
“And you, Trey! You smile in my face, eat dinner at my house, talk about how happy you are for us and how happy I make Kevin, but all the while you were scheming on how to steal my man.”
“It wasn’t like that, Monica, I promise. I –”
“Wasn’t like that?” I threw one of my high heel shoes, aiming for his eyeball. “Obviously it was, Trey.”
I stomped out of the room and disappeared down the steps. They probably thought I had gotten tired or come to my senses. I wasn’t anywhere near coming to my senses. I just remembered Kevin’s golf clubs in the front closet.
When I came back, the look in Kevin’s eyes said he regretted the day he ever became obsessed with being the next Tiger Woods. Trey screamed like a girl and ran out of the room when he saw the driving iron in my hand.
I made a wild swing at Kevin and hit the wall instead. Paint and drywall crumbled to the floor. While I was prying the club out of the wall, Kevin grabbed my arm and wrestled me to the floor. “Monica, calm down. Please, calm down and let’s talk about this like rational adults.”
“Calm down? Rational adults?” I unleashed a spray of curse words – strung them together like a pro. Kevin’s eyes widened. He had never heard me curse before. By the time he met me, I’d gotten delivered of the cussing demon I picked up my freshman year of college.
I twisted a hand free and slapped his face. Hard. Twice. He grabbed my hand again and tried to pin me down. He was forceful enough to stop my assault against him, but gentle enough not to hurt me.
“Monnie, please.” His eyes begged me. Those big, beautiful eyes I had fallen so deeply in love with. Seeing the tears forming in the corners of them took some of the fire out of me. I stopped struggling for a minute.
Kevin looked like he was trying to decide if I was faking him out or if he could trust me enough to loosen his grip. He stared, obviously not knowing what to say. What could he say?
I realized my dream life, my fantasy, had just come undone. I let out a wail. “Oh my Gaaaaaawwwwwddddd…”
“Monnie, I’m sorry. I –”
“You’re sorry all right. You sorry son of a…son of a... You mother-lovin’…” Forget it. It was too hard. I unleashed another spray of foul language, knowing no matter how much I cursed or how many times I hit him, I’d never be able to make him hurt as much as he just made me hurt.
I sure could try, though.
He’d let his guard down, giving me perfect space and time to kick him in the groin. When he fell, I jumped up and kicked him in the side with all the force my leg could muster. I didn’t know such violence lived in me. I had to make myself calm down before I really hurt him. Even though he deserved it.
I paced around the bedroom. “Help me, Jesus. Help me not to kill him. Help me not to go down to the kitchen and get a knife and gut him. OhLawdJesus, help me. I want to take this golf club and beat him in the head ‘til his brains drip out his ears. Jesus, keep me. I need you, Lord, otherwise I’m gonna …” My eyes darted around the room looking for other things I could murder my husband with.
Kevin stood up, holding his side, sheer terror in his eyes. He had only seen me this mad once before – the last time my mother caught my dad with one of his many women.
“Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus…” I called His name like I was on the tarrying bench, trying to get filled with the Holy Ghost. When Kevin heard me praying in tongues, he scrambled toward the door.
After I heard the front door slam, I screamed from somewhere deeper than I knew my soul went. What had just happened? How long had it been happening?
I started pacing again. I walked up and down the steps, into the kitchen, into the den, into Kevin’s music studio, back up the steps, into our bedroom, into the guest room, into my exercise room I never used. Every time I tried to stop and sit, this wave of anger-bewilderment-shock-sadness-confusion-fear-insanity would come over me, and I’d have to walk again.
After about fifteen minutes of walking, cursing, and praying, I got tired. The initial adrenaline rush wore off and I remembered how out of shape I was. I looked at my watch. My half-hour lunch break was over and I was due back at work. I caught my breath and picked up the phone.
“Greater Washington Family Medicine, how may I help you?”
“Anthony, this is Monica. I need to talk to Dr. Stewart. Is she in with a patient?” I tried to keep my voice from doing that shaky thing it did when I cried.
“What’s wrong wit’ you, girl?”
“Not now, Anthony, just get her for me. Please.” I hoped the “please” would soften my snippiness. I wasn’t in the mood for Anthony to catch an attitude.
“Let me check. Hold on a sec’.”
I waited for a moment, trying to think of a way to explain why I wasn’t coming back to work. My brain was too fuzzy to come up with a good lie.
“This is Dr. Stewart.”
“Hey, it’s Monica. An emergency came up. I won’t be able to make it back this afternoon.”
“Oh dear, I hope everything is okay. Let me know if you need anything. See you Monday?”
“Oh yes, of course. Everything will be fine by then,” I lied.
I hung up the phone and went straight for the freezer to grab a pint of Tom & Larry’s ice cream. Chocolate Walnut Brownie Crunch. My favorite. I plunked down in the middle of the family room floor and stared at the walls, covered with pictures chronicling the last six years of my relationship with Kevin.
Tears fell as I looked at the beautiful black and white engagement picture of us staring into each other’s eyes. I should’ve known it was too good to be true. Kevin was every woman’s dream. He was the one man I knew who wasn’t afraid to share his feelings. He was my best friend. Closer than any of my girlfriends. I could tell him anything and he could tell me anything.
Or so I thought.
How could he have deceived me? This wasn’t something he just tried out. He’d known Trey since childhood. Trey Hunter showed up at our door six months ago, after not having seen Kevin in years. Kevin introduced him as his high school friend. I guess high school sweetheart was more like it.
I should’ve known something when Trey first appeared. Trey was more effeminate than me, and I couldn’t think of any of the straight men I knew who were close friends with gay men. But something should have alerted me long before that. I racked my brain searching for clues I might have ignored.
Kevin and I met not too long after I finished college and started visiting the church he attended. They had the best choir in the city and sang the latest contemporary music.
I joined after visiting a few Sundays. As soon as I finished my new members’ classes, I joined the choir. I had sung in the choir as long as I could remember. Never sang a solo, but I was one of those solid altos any director could count on to keep everyone else on key. Kevin was the minister of music. I was the section leader, so me and Kevin hung out after rehearsals to discuss songs or parts or whatever.
One night, we went out to dinner at IHOP afterwards and talked until two in the morning. From then on, we were inseparable. We went out after every rehearsal and every church service. Sometimes with a big group from the choir, sometimes just us.
The end table held a picture of us and our choir clique at our favorite table at IHOP. Judging from the fatness of my cheeks, my all-black outfit, and the salad instead of pancakes on the table in front of me, I must have been on an upswing of my lifelong weight yo-yo. Kevin had this enamored look on his face and I had this look of total shock like, “he’s really with me?”
I scraped the bottom of the ice cream carton. Where did a whole pint go that quick? Good thing they had a two-for-one sale last week. Or maybe it wasn’t such a good thing. Forget it. This was no time to be worried about my weight. I needed all the comfort Tom & Larry could offer right now.
I turned to stare at our wedding picture hanging over the fireplace mantle. Kevin was dashing in his tux. I looked at his mocha chocolate skin, tall muscular body, thick, curly hair, and heartbreaking smile.
Sistahs was hatin’ on me that day.
I had crash dieted to get into my size 12 wedding dress and looked good, if I do say so myself. My classy Halle Berry haircut complimented my heart-shaped face. The dress was perfect for my hourglass shape. That was one thing I had going for me. Even at my largest, I was still well proportioned, and always had a waistline.
I knew some of my fellow choir sistahs were jealous and I felt good to be the one that caught the mysterious, elusive Kevin Day. He was charismatic as the minister of music – able to lead the whole church into the highest realms of praise and worship. But he seemed nervous when all the women fawned over him and vied for his attention.
That shoulda let me know something wasn’t straight.
But then again, what would I know? Kevin was my first and only real love. The only man I ever had a serious relationship with, the only one I’d ever been intimate with. And now…
Help me understand this, God. Kevin is…gay?
Something in me snapped. I picked up a book and crashed it into the picture. I don’t know what broke it, the book or the high-pitched scream I let out as I threw it.
I began picking up pictures of me and Kevin from all over the den. The one from our honeymoon in Negril, I threw against the wall. I sent the last year’s Christmas picture hurling into our engagement picture hanging over the stairs. One by one, I destroyed the evidence of what I thought was our wonderful, God-ordained life together.
As I smashed each picture, I felt my heart shattering with the glass. My throat was raw from screaming. I couldn’t stop though. I had to destroy everything that told the lie I now knew my marriage was.
My mind was spinning. Instinctively, I picked up the phone to call my best friend, Trina. Right after the speed dial finished, I hung up. What would I tell her? “Hey, girl, guess what? I just caught my husband with another man?” Too embarrassing.
I started pacing again. “Oh my God. Did that really just happen?” No matter how much I walked, I couldn’t escape it. “Okay, Monnie. Get yourself together.” I made myself stand still and take ten deep breaths.
The phone rang. Without thinking, I answered it. “Hello?”
“Did you just call me?”
“Trina…I…yeah, it was…I dialed by accident.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.” I tried to clear my throat and sound normal.
“Monica, stop lying. What’s wrong? You sound like you been crying.”
I didn’t say anything, knowing my voice would betray me.
“Monica?”
Why did I answer the phone? I could have played this off to anyone else but Trina.
“Monica, talk to me. What’s going on?”
I choked on the lump in my throat and started crying again.
“I’ll be right there.”
“No! Don’t come over. I’m fine –” Too late. She’d already hung up the phone.
I looked around at the mess. Trina lived only about fifteen minutes away. I knew she’d be speeding to get to me. I grabbed a broom and swept the glass into a pile.
I cut my finger on a long, thin shard. Blood trickled down my arm. “Crap!” I ran to the bathroom before it dripped onto my plush, off-white carpet.
I ran water over my finger until its red tinge ran clear, then wrapped it in toilet paper. That would have to do for now. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy, nose red and my short bob was flying everywhere. I looked like a crazy woman.
The doorbell rang. I splashed my face with cold water, blew my nose and tried to smooth my hair down. The doorbell rang again. “I’m coming, doggone it!”
My feeble attempt at fixing my face was lost on Trina. When I opened the door, she gasped. “Oh my God, what happened to you?”
The look of concern on her face was too much for me. I burst into tears again.
“Monnie, what is it?” Trina led me into the den and sat me down on the couch. She stared at the broken glass, picture frames and picture fragments. “What happened in here? Did you and Kevin get in a fight?”
I nodded, still crying.
She must have noticed the blood soaking through the tissue on my finger. “Oh my God. What did he do to you? Did Kevin hurt you?”
I shook my head, still crying.
“What happened?” Trina got up and walked into the kitchen. I could hear her rummaging through the cabinets and running water. She came back with a wet dishtowel and a glass of water. She unwrapped my finger and wrapped it in the wet cloth and gave me the water to drink. She went to the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and handed me a wad to wipe my face. She rubbed my back and waited for me to stop crying.
I finally looked up at her. “I…Kevin… I…” I shook my head and took a deep breath. I rolled off some more tissue and blew my nose. I looked at the floor.
“Monnie, this is me. Your girl. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
I had to just spit it out. “I walked in on Kevin and Trey this afternoon.”
“What do you mean?”
“I walked in on them in my bed.”
Trina’s eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“What do you mean what do I mean? I walked in on my husband…” I sucked in a deep breath, “…screwing another man.”
Her mouth flew open and her eyes bugged out. “What do you mean?”
“Trina, I can’t say it any clearer than that. Unless you want the graphic version.”
She held up her hand as if to say “no thank you.” She stood up and began pacing the den. Every few seconds, she would turn back to me with her mouth wide open, her eyes asking if I said what she thought I said. Each time she did, I nodded. She’d open her mouth like she was about to say something then close it, then open it again and close it, until finally she put her hands on her hips. “What do you mean?”
I rolled my eyes. “Should I say it in French?”
“Sorry, but you gotta give me a minute with this one.” She frowned as if she was trying to solve the most difficult Calculus problem. “So you’re telling me Kevin was…he and Trey were…Kevin is…oh, my…”
I started crying again. Her saying it – or not being able to say it – seemed to make it more real.
Trina pulled herself out of her stupor and came over to hug me. “Oh, Monnie, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to–”
“I’m not asking you to fix this, Trina. You don’t have to say anything. Just…help me not to lose it.” I sobbed in her arms. “You coulda never told me Kevin was…I never expected…”
“Shhh, I know. Me either. He doesn’t seem…I mean nothing about him is…” Trina shook her head and grimaced as if an image just registered in her brain. “Oh, boy, this is…”
We both sat there shaking our heads for a few minutes.
She chuckled. “So you kicked his tail, huh?”
Leave it to Trina to make me laugh at a time like this. “Girl, I had to call on the Lord to keep from killing both of them. I lost control.”
“Y’all was tearing up the den?”
“No, the bedroom. I did all this after they left.”
“Umm.” She looked around at the mess again. “Remind me to never piss you off.” We both laughed, then I started to cry.
“Oh, Monnie. I’m sorry, girl.” She held me until I stopped crying. “Come on. Let’s pack you a bag. You’re going with me.”
I looked around room. “What about this?”
“Let him clean it up. That is, if he’s stupid enough to come back.”

Fiction Friday - Featuring Stacey Hawkins Adams

2008-06-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Author and Speaker Stacey Hawkins Adams
Learn more about Stacey and Water Colored Pearls http://staceyhawkinsadams.com/

Excerpt from Water Colored Pearls

Today the tears stopped.
The way her mother looked at her this morning told Tawana if she didn’t pull herself together, she’d soon find herself admitted to a local hospital.
“You’ve been crying for two weeks and you won’t tell me why. Misha doesn’t hear you every night but I do. You’re losing weight, drinking bottle after bottle of wine and using all the tissue in the house. What is going on with you, Tawana? Do I need to call a doctor?”
Mama had ranted before, but today she picked up the yellow pages to find some help.
Tawana dashed over and snatched the book from her.
“No, Mama! I’m fine; I just have a lot on my mind.”
“I can see that, Tawana.”
Ms. Carter extended her hand for Tawana to return the phone book.
“Since you won’t talk to me, you’re going to talk to someone. I didn’t come up here with you to this highfalutin’ place, so this fancy education you’re gettin’ could drive you crazy. Misha needs you.”
She formed a thin line with her lips, but Tawana already knew what her mother was too proud to admit: she needed her too.
Tawana fell to her knees in front of her mother and laid her head on her lap. Sobs wracked her body.
Ms. Carter rubbed her daughter’s back and wept too.
“What is it, Tawana? What is wrong?”
When the tears finally abated, Tawana sat back and wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Mama, but I’m going to be okay. I’m sorry I’ve scared you; it’s just been a stressful time. It’s going to be alright.”
Ms. Carter stared at Tawana, wanting to believe her.
“One of them boyfriends did something to you, didn’t he?”

©Copyright 2004-2007. Stacy Hawkins Adams All Rights Reserved.

Wise Wives, I Want to Hear It From You!

2008-06-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

In response to the poll I posted last week, the majority of those who responded wanted to address communication, with intimacy following a close second. Here's what I need from you...
email me at wisdomforwives.blogspot.com and let me know the one topic that sets if off between you and your hubby.

Response due on Monday, June 29th. I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon.!
"V"

Wives seeking advice

2008-06-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

According to the emails I've received since I started this blog last week, there are three main areas that readers would like me to address:

Communication

Intimacy

Other

I will be blogging in general terms about Communication and Intimacy, but I'll need some help with "Other." If you'd like personalized responses to specific issues, please do not hesitate to write me at:

Write me at wisdomforwives@gmail.com

Mentoring Monday - Featuring Ministry Marketing Solutions

2008-06-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

Pam Perry,

Chief Visionary of Ministry Marketing Solutions

http://ministrymarketingsolutions.com/

http://myspace.com/pamperryprcoach

Pam's Perry's guidance, encouragment, PR workshops/seminars/conferences and networking functions are key contributing factors to getting my debut novel onto bookstore shelves and into the hands of hundreds of readers! To God be the glory! Visit her on the web!

Nurturing, Developing, Teaching and Testifying = Mentoring
And they overcame by the Blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.
Rev. 12:11 KVJ

As I think about it, the primary purpose in my developing this blog is to mentor. I'm at the 'tweenie' stage in life where I'm not exactly a newbie, but I'm not old enough to be considered a "mother" of the church. Besides, mentoring should not be based upon chronological age but rather, area of expertise, training and life experiences. Mentoring is actually an extensive testimony of lesson's we've learned. Particularly when we overcome fiery trials - it's not all about us, but for us to be in a position to encourage someone else at a later time.

When the Lord blesses us with skills, experiences, victories and the like, we can't just sit on them -it's our responsibility to Pay It Forward.

I've had some wonderful women who've mentored me and are still doing so today. Along the way I meet new mentors. Who says you can't teach an old (or middle aged) dog new tricks. We all need to attach ourselves to someone who has been there and done that. God forbid that I should ever reach a point in life where I think I know it all.

Split-Second Bible Lesson On Mentoring

The passing of the mantle from the elder prophet, Elijah to his successor Elisha is the description of a mentoring relationship. In Scripture, those with wisdom continually share that wisdom, together with their own experiences, with novices. Naomi schooled her widowed Moabite daughter-in-law in the intricacies of Jewish law so that Ruth could re-marry and become part of the Messiah's lineage (Ruth 3-4). Mordecai shrewdly steered Esther through the treachery of the Persian court to save the lives of God's chosen people (Esther 2-7).

In her older cousin Elizabeth, Mary had a miraculously expectant mentor to coach her during her first trimester of pregnancy (Luke 1:39-56). The apostle Paul gave astute advice, enabling Timothy and Titus to multiply his ministry; and in the Gospels, Jesus illuminated the way for the Twelve, the first of generations of disciples to follow the ultimate Mentor.

Women have a special admonition for mentoring. The older women in the church are challenged to teach or mentor the younger or less experienced women. (Titus 2:1-5). This one-on-one process has also been called "spiritual mothering." Paul described the qualifications for these mentors and set forth what they were to teach. This is a positive and important ministry in the church for women.

Black Pride - 365!

2008-06-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm standing on my soapbox and preaching to the choir...

Although Juneteeth, (June 19th, a day set aside to annually celebrate the emanication of slaves) has been observed since the mid-1860s, it still hasn't caught on across the country. To be honest I hadn't heard a thing about any observances or celebrations here in the Detroit area. I admit that I didn't know much about when, where or even why it is celebrated until I took the time to read an article posted by Black Voices yesterday.

While I'm not looking for another national holiday to celebrate, I do think it is essential for those of us who are of African descent to research our roots and thank God for our mere existence. I'm so in awe of families who know the details about relatives from several prior generations.

All of us should be deeply proud of the simple fact that we're here, in this very day and hour. Think about it, there had to have been thousands of Africans who were stolen from their homes and forced onto slave ships all those years ago.

The captives were stripped, chained in groups of five, and packed tightly into the slave hold (a deck below the main deck and above the cargo hold) so that one person's head, when lying in rows, was forced upon another person's thigh. In the ship's dark cargo hold, each slave had 3 feet 3 inches (1 m) of headroom during the ten-week voyage. The captives were sometimes brought up on deck and fed rice. Those who tried to starve themselves, as often happened, were whipped and forced to eat. While they were at sea, water supplies ran low, and disease spread through the closely packed, unventilated slave deck. At times when supplies ran low, the crew would chain 30-40 slaves and attach a heavy weight at the end, then throw it over board forcing the chained people into the water to drown. Nearly a third of the slaves died during the long voyage from disease, malnutrition, and beatings. Their American bloodline was never to be.

Some might ask, "What has that got to do with me?" My response is that it has EVERYTHING to do with you - and me. Had we not come from a strong, resilient bloodline so many generations ago, we simply would not even EXIST today. If it had not been for those who by the grace of God had the spiritual, physical and mental fortitude to refuse to die, we wouldn't be here to witness the historic political phenomenon that we're currently experiencing.

Now before someone calls me on it, I realize that Senator Barak Obama's American roots hail from the Caucasian side of his family; however my point is that our African and African-American predecessors paved the way so that all American citizens would have the same rights. Including the right to vote - let alone run for president!

I can only imagine how filled with pride our predecessors would be to see that the suffering they endured all those years ago was for such a time as this! If only those who withstood the dogs, rape, water hoses, beatings, lynchings and other unimaginable atrocities, so that we might partake of basic human rights, could see that their sacrifices were not in vain.

If we would all - young and old, revisit the past and study the experiences of our previous generations, perhaps we would not take so much for granted.

Perhaps parents would respect one another - and our children. Our sons would take their rightful place as holy princes, treat women with honor and respect; and our daughters would realize that they hail from spiritual royalty and esteem their bodies accordingly. None of us would allow ourselves to be contaminated by violence, filth, and degradation.

Education would be sought after - as opposed to lusting temporary fixes for designer clothing, jewelry and cars we can't afford. Perhaps we would return to the pride of home, business and community ownership as opposed to perpetual indebtedness for something we will never own.

Other cultures traditionally teach their young about their ancestors and how they got to be where they are. There is a misconception that our history has not been preserved. Our history lessons were whispered inside the darkened rooms of secret meeting places. Coded messages were transmitted from house to field and back again through songs and signals.

Our history was carved into trees, hidden under floor boards and scrawled onto parchment. It's true that much of our history is buried, but nevertheless it is documented. It's there for us to unearth like precious buried treasure.

Museums, libraries, websites and even keepsake family bibles are brimming with historical names, dates and facts. Some are even fortunate enough to have living, breathing testimonies among us. Now is the time to really listen to their "how I got over" stories. It is our legacy.

We have to be diligent in mining our roots, then passing our bounty on to the generations to come - lest we forget.

Black pride is not something you can take out of storage to put on display once a year like Christmas decorations.

Black pride is not catch phrase, it is a state of being - 365 days a year.

Fiction Friday - Excerpt from He's Fine, But Is He Saved? by Kimberley Brooks

2008-06-20T17:22:00.001-07:00

Yup, that's me hanging out in NYC last year with the big girls, authors Kimberley Brooks, Stacey Hawkins Adams, Sherri Lewis and Marilynn Griffith. Visit them on the web!

http://kimonthweb.com/
http://staceyhawkinsadams.com/
http://sherrilewis.com/
http://mariylnngriffith.com/

Wise wives (and wives-to-be) realize the importance of incorporating a little "me time" on a regular basis. When I need/want to take a break from my own writing (and the other million and one things on my to-do list) I like to shut myself in, light some scented candles, turn on some music, make myself a healthy snack tray yeah right; and go on a virtual vacation with a terrific Christian novel. No wonder it takes me so long to complete my own novels.

Each Friday, I will treat you to excerpts from novels written by some of my favorite Christian fiction authors - starting with the authors pictured above. This week we begin with my home girl, Kimberley Brooks. Enjoy!

He's Fine But is He Saved?

Chapter 1 Flirting

"He fiiiiiiine," Sandy sang across the restaurant table and ran her tiny, cream-colored hand through her short black tresses. She was referring to some stranger seated at the bar.
Sandy, Liz, and I were enjoying Sunday brunch on a chilly afternoon in April at one of Detroit's finest restaurants downtown. The soothing jazz sounds coming from the black baby grand increased my enjoyment as I swayed with the music. We single ladies are celebrating the fact that we're "big girls now." We're all in our early-to-late twenties, graduated from different colleges, and have fairly decent jobs. We can afford to splurge once in a while. I snapped back into the reality of Sandy's comment and looked around to make sure no one else heard her remark. "Who fine?" I asked and then looked back down at my jambalaya.

I tell you. Sandy can be so obvious at times. One day I'm going to teach her young, twenty-three-year-old self how to do things with class, or at least learn how to use codes so that the whole restaurant doesn't know we're checking a brotha out.

"What man are you talking about now?" retorted Liz. Liz is twenty-seven, two years older than I am. She has never approved of Sandy's flirtatious ways. I watched Liz play with her house salad. Her meal selection is a result of her trying to lose weight. In the past three months, Liz went from a size ten to a size sixteen. I believe a lot of her weight gain has to do with having to put up with her single mother's wild antics at home. Next to praying, Liz's favorite thing to do when something is bothering her is eat. However, she still looks good with her flawless caramel-colored skin and shoulder length, black micro-zillions that are half braided, half loose. Liz and I have always had lunch together after church. Then four months ago, the Lord reunited Sandy and me, former high school classmates, one day at the grocery store. We exchanged numbers, and I invited her to church. That following Sunday, dressed in four inch heels and a short and tight jean dress with rhinestones, Sandy responded to the altar call. I walked down the aisle with her and she, in tears, got saved. I haven't been able to get rid of Sandy since that day. Now the Lord has given me a spiritual assignment to be her spiritual guide and friend. I don't mind too much, I guess, even though sometimes I do have to remind Liz, my best friend of five years now, that Sandy is still young in the Lord. Sandy's behavior can be quite unpredictable at times, especially when it comes to her interactions with the opposite sex. "Him, at the bar," Sandy whispered loudly while pointing toward the bar with her fork. I peeked at the bar section and saw an older white gentleman wearing a hideous toupee, an older black woman wearing a tight red dress holding a glass of mimosa, and a black man who looked to be in his late twenties. He was dark-skinned with a bald head, had thick juicy lips, and enough muscles to make Tyrese look bad. The black muscle shirt he wore proved he was built, and his tan pants hugged his thighs. I must admit, the brotha was fine. As Sandy kept flirting with him with her dark brown eyes, the man responded by looking over at her with hungry eyes of his own and a sexy smile.
"Give me a break," Liz said after sneaking a glance at the man and then snapping her neck. "You just got out of church not even an hour ago, and here you are flirting with some man. Ghetto."

360 Pages ISBN: 978-0-373-83061-9

You Never Should Have Married Him!

2008-06-19T04:43:00.001-07:00

...If You Didn't Want His Kids!

I was saddened when I received a phone call from a distraught woman who said she was at her wit's end. She told me about a situation she was experiencing with her former (I don't like the word "ex) husband and his new wife. She told me that both she and her former husband have each been remarried for some time now, but that the new wife has never wanted anything to do with their now teen aged daughter.

According to the woman, the "new wife" doesn't want her husband to interact with his daughter and resents the fact that he has to pay child support. Granted, the dynamics of "step" families (another phrase that I'm not fond of - I use bonus) can be quite challenging. However, if you're even remotely considering marrying a man who already has children, you both need to know in advance what you will and won't, can and can't take. If you're already married to a man with children from a previous relationship, keep in mind that you you're in it 'til death do you part. You have to make it work. It can be done if you're willing to do your part.

Now before you fill up my email box, let me explain what I mean by making it work. I mean that you, as a Christian woman do everything that the Lord requires us all to do.

Employ the fruits of the spirit

ask for wisdom

act with temperance

Refuse to get caught up in drama

Choose which battles to become involved in and which ones to opt out of

Don't try to intercept phone calls from your bonus kids' or their mother

Don't show up to her house uninvited

The children involved in these complicated relationships have their own set of issues to deal with, in addition to normal growing pains. More often than not, they are ill-equipped to handle the confusion that comes along with being a member of a blended family. Their parents live in separate homes, there may be other children involved that they feel they have to compete with, they may feel that they're betraying the "bio-mom" by at minimal, acting civil toward you...the list of possibilities is endless.

Without question, we women are often guilty of being scornful and it is not uncommon for the "bio-mom" to distort the children's perception of you and your husband. Depending upon the circumstances, you may not be able to do anything about it except pray for all involved and be supportive. By being supportive I mean this:

Encourage your husband to maintain regular contact and dialogue with all of his children.

If they are still minors, see to it that he makes child support payments ON TIME.

Make your husband, and your "bonus" children feel comfortable when they are in your presence

Attempt to extend the olive branch to the "bio-mom"

Gently, and patiently establish boundaries in your home with your "bonus kids." Be consistent, but also willing to be flexible.

Do not make blatant distinctions between your "bio" and "bonus" kids

Back off and give the kids space if they don't receive what you have to offer. In most cases they will eventually come around

Now, in defense of your bonus kids' mother, you very well may have married a man who was a complete jerk when he was involved with her. It is, what is it. Somehow woman of God, you will have to work your way through this maze of emotions and obscure boundaries - in the best of situations it's tough.

My three "bonus kids" were quite young when Rick and I got married. There were great sacrifices that had to be made - some the children, who by the way are all adults now, will never be aware of. I never once complained about his paying child support all those years. Our doors have always been open for them to spend as much time in our home as they wanted to. I've attended all sorts of school, extra-curricular events and family celebrations - with pride and joy. But I also know that when to say when. Meaning, I never smother them or try to compete for their loyalty and affection with their bio-mom. I've always met them where they are.

The bottom line, when a woman commits to a man who already has children, she should be committing to the children as well. If she doesn't want to do that, shame on her and she shouldn't have married him.

If you're in a similar situation and realize that you're not a candidate for the Bonus Mother of the Year award:

Pray and ask for God's will to be done

Pray for the children involved. No matter how obnoxious they seem, they need the love and support of everyone involved in their lives

Pray for your husband, that God will heal his heart and make it possible for him to be the father he was called to be

Pray for the bio-mom. She's probably wounded, she may be jealous or she might just be crazy! It's not for any of us to judge, but to give to God what we can't change

Never, ever speak negatively about the children, their bio-mom or any of her family when there are ANY children in your presence (neither bonus or bio)

Split-Second Bible Lesson:

Paul admonished Euodias and Synthyche, two women embroiled in conflict, to unify for the good of the church. Likewise, the focal point should be on the overall well being of the children. Family relationships, nuclear as well as extended, are to reflect the relationship between the church and Christ.

Read : Philippians Chapter 4, with emphasis on verse 2 with regard to two powerful women within the body of Christ.

Also Romans 12:18

Excerpt from Brown Paper Bag, the Novel

2008-06-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

Fair skinned, wavy-haired Louisiana native Gregory Duplantis' own flesh and blood ruthlessly conspire to sabotage his impending marriage to Natalie, his one true love because her mahogany skin and humble background are unacceptable.

Innocent, gifted and exotic - skin the color of bittersweet chocolate, Natalie Jordan is the constant victim of intolerance and intra-racial discrimination because of her pure African features.

Social climber and entrepreneur Albertina Duplantis makes no apologies for doing "whatever it takes" to protect her family's assets, social status and bloodline.

Prologue

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers;

for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:2

Albertina hovered above the inanimate form that was her own body. She heard unintelligible voices and the sound of several sets of shuffling feet approaching. A sea of white coats with hands that held clipboards and pens stood at the foot of her hospital bed. Five, no six white coats.

One of them spoke as the others listened and scribbled notes. She willed her eyes to open but they disobeyed. She tried to speak but was unable to make her lips part. Her mind was screaming. She wanted someone to pull out all of the tubes and wires. Tubes that pushed oxygen in and out of her lungs. Wires that made her heart beat. Tubes that nourished and hydrated her...drained her body's waste. Wires and tubes that enabled her to live.

The white coats formed a semi-circle around her hospital bed. A gray-haired white coat asked questions of the others. Two of them answered. The gray-haired one scowled and shook his head. He impatiently waited for the obvious correct answer.

Finally a medical student with topaz-colored eyes offered the correct answer. The corners of Gray-hair's mouth turned upward as he nodded approvingly.

Albertina oserved as the white coats continued to violate her. Gray-hair lifted the thin cotton sheet that covered the remnants of her dignity, pointed and asked more questions. Again, the girl with topaz-colored eyes answered correctly.

Albertina sensed a familiarity with the bright intern. Neither she nor her young benefactor were aware that their past - and future were entwined.

Somebody died, somebody lied, the obvious is sometimes obscure...

Chapter One

Lover and friend hast thou put far from me

and mine acquaintance into darkness

Ps. 88:18

Who's that baby's daddy?"

"Are you drunk or something? Why would you ask me that?"

A deafening clap of thunder tore open the late-night sky and released sheets of April rain.

Gregory shouted over the thunder, "I just had a talk with Thomas."

"What has Thomas got to do with our baby?"

"Is it our baby Natalie? Do you even know who the father is?"

"Gregory you know I have never been with anybody but you - that one time! I can't believe you even fixed your mouth to ask me such a question."

"Liar!" He slapped her - hit her so hard she was sure she'd bitten through her tongue.

Bewildered by his sudden attack, Natalie tasted her own blood - not knowing whether the bleeding was from the tongue bite or the split in her rapidly swelling lips. She ignored the excruciating pain and reached for him, pleading for an explanation. "Why did you do that? What did I do to deserve that?"

He grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. "I'm not falling for that innocent act any more Natalie. You played me for a fool - big time. I can't believe I almost married you."

She wrenched herself free of his grip and instinctively pushed him so hard he stumbled backward - barely missing the porch steps. "This isn't you talking Gregory. Your mouth is moving, but Albertina Duplantis is talking."

Another back-handed blow to her mouth sent Natalie crashing against the house - jabbing her back into the doorbell. The intensity of the blow against the doorbell shot a wave of pain into Natalie's spin that traveled up to her neck, back down to her tailbone and into her right leg.

"You keep my mother's name out of your filthy, lying mouth you slut!"

A crowd of curious neighbors carrying umbrellas and wearing rain slickers had gathered in front of the house. Block Captain Elijah Nelson yelled into the crowd. "I'm calling the police!"

The neighbor's comment fueled Gregory's anger like gasoline doused on a flame. "This is a private matter. You people need to mind your own business." He returned his attention to Natalie. "What are you planning to do about that baby?"

"You seem to believe it's not your baby so it's not your business."

"Don't get smart with me." He shoved her against the house, clutched her throat with his right hand and raised his left fist.

The screen door slapped against the house. Hattie Jordan burst onto the porch wielding a meat cleaver. "Boy, if you hit my daughter you gon' draw back a bleedin' nub!"

Her husband, Dallas stumbled out of the house carrying a shotgun and wiping sleep from his eyes. "Whas' goin' on out here? Natalie did this boy put his hands on you?"

Hattie answered, "Look at her mouth Dallas. This fool had her pinned 'gin the house." Natalie's face was twisted from the pain that radiated from the center of her back.

Dallas snatched his daughter away from Gregory's grip and leveled the barrel of the shotgun between his brows. "Look-a-here Mama's Boy, you get yo' tail off my prop'ty 'fo I blow you' head clean off!"

"Daddy no!" Natalie sobbed into her father's shoulder.

A black and white Detroit Police squad car pulled up in front of the house. The driver shined a light on the porch and yelled to Gregory. "What's going on here? We got a call that a lady was being assaulted at this address."

Dallas eased the shotgun back into the house while the officers focused on Gregory. One of the officers recognized Gregory and yelled over his shoulder to his partner. "Hey Jake, ain't this the guy we pulled over just a few minutes ago?"

Jake looked at Gregory, then his '56 Chevy. He yelled back. "Yeah Mel, one and the same. What's going on up there Mr. Duplantis?"

Gregory answered. "Just a little lover's quarrel. sorry if we disturbed anyone. We didn't mean to cause any trouble."

Officer Mel exited the squad car to break up the crowd. "Alright everybody, show's over. Go on home, there's nothing else to see here."

The reluctant crowd dispersed. Several people returned to their homes to peer through the windows of darkened rooms. A few of the more defiant neighbors congregated with Elijah Nelson on his front porch - hoping the entertainment would continue.

Officer Mel walked over to the bottom of the stairs and surveyed the scene. Natalie hid her face from the policeman's light.

"You folks sure there is nothing going on that we need to know about?" He directed his attention to Natalie. "Young lady are you hurt?"

From the shadows, she wiped a trembling hand across her face and tried to speak normally, but her voice and her bulging lips betrayed her. "N-no thank you officer. I'm ok."

A quick assessment of the scene and judging from the swelling and bruises on Natalie's face, his suspicions were confirmed. He'd witnessed this scenario on countless weekend calls. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we can't make you turn him in."

The officer raised the collar of his raincoat and spoke to Gregory. "So this is where you were in such a hurry to get to huh?"

Gregory stared past him - at Natalie. Then his acid-churning stomach sent him into a fit of violent convulsions and dry heaves.

The officers exchanged looks. "Tell you what Mr. Duplantis, me and Officer Tyson there will give you a ride home." he motioned for Gregory to start moving toward the squad car.

Gregory imagined the hissy-fit Albertina Duplantis would have if her son was brought home in a police car.

"No thanks, I'm alright. I can make it."

Officer Jake propped his foot on the bottom step and leaned forward. "Young man, I don't think you understand. Officer Tyson and I insist that you accept our offer."

He scowled. "And what am I supposed to do about my car?" I can't just leave it here."

"In light of the circumstances, I plan to give this house special attention all night. I'm sure nothing will happen to it while it's parked in front of the Jordans' house. You can arrange to take care of it in the morning." He placed his hand on the young man's shoulder. Come on now. Get in the squad car son."

Dallas put his arm around his daughter's slightly protruding waist and gently guided her toward the warmth and safety of their home. She looked over her shoulder and saw Gregory glaring at her from the back seat of the police cruiser. Natalie's tears mingled with the rain and splattered onto her cheeks as she watched her baby's father disappear into an envelope of darkness.

Praises for Brown Paper Bag!

Brown Paper Bag is a painstakingly honest tale about racism within one's own ethnic group. Though the setting begins in the late fifties, Venus Mason Theus' debut mirrors a lot of the "intra-racial" discrimination that occurs even today. This wonderfully written novel is about the search for true love-the type of love that believeth all things, beareth all things, and endureth all things. Awesome read! ---Kimberley Brooks, author of He's Fine... But Is He Saved?"

Brown Paper Bag illuminates the struggles through the characters' daily interpersonal relationships. Just when the ripples of discord seem to cease, a new wave of disunity begins."---Denise Smith, author of Back from Sanity's Edge

Brown Paper Bag will encourage those caught in the cycle of abuse to walk away from desperate situations and come to understand their personal power...and to see that our great big God is still interested in even the smallest details of our lives.---Dr. Gail Hayes, International speaker and author of Daughters of the Kings, Finding Victory Through Your God-Given Personal Style.

"With it's gripping storyline and dramatic revelations, Brown Paper Bag will grab you from its beginning and hold you 'til the very end."---Kendra Norman-Bellamy, author of Crossing Jhordan's River

While You Wait (For Single Women Anticipating Marriage)

2008-06-18T03:24:00.000-07:00

The month of June is almost synonymous with weddings and most of us are likely to attend at least one. Many unmarried women will sit quietly with a pasted on smile, wondering...when will it be my turn? Well, while waiting for Brother/Dr./Reverend/Right to find you, your focus should be purely on making certain that you are a whole person in the Lord. Other than being Mrs. ______. What are your dreams and goals? Are you well traveled? What is your credit score, Have you completed your education? Is there a spiritual mission tugging at your heart? Are you walking in your calling or are you waiting to get married before fulfilling this part of your destiny according to God's perfect will?

Being single is an important time to prepare for marriage. It can also be a time to experience a closer communion with God. As we seek God to cleanse us of the world and help us become the kind of wife that would bless someone, we will soon find that we are not lonely. First, the Lord would begin using us to bless others; then we will find we are content in Him.

Eventually, if your being married is God's will for you, He will bless you with a wonderful mate so that both lives can be a witness for Him. However, if a marriage cannot glorify the Lord, then it would be better to remain alone. There are worse things than being alone. One of these is to be out of God's will by compromising and marrying someone who is not chosen for you by God.

The mistake many women make is putting their lives on hold for fear that they will miss the opportunity to meet the right man. God certainly does honor marriage and holds it in high esteem; however He wants us all to be all that we can be in Him first and foremost.

Sadly, too many delay a calling then try to play catch up after marriage only to find that they've forsaken their first love - Jesus Christ, in order to obtain the love of someone who may not be God's perfect choice for a life partner.

Admittedly, I had what I call a practice marriage many years ago. My former husband and I were as different as night and day, however; at the tender age of 21 I thought I could "fix" all the things that were wrong with "him." It wasn't until years later that I realized our failed marriage wasn't all his fault. I came to the realization that I hadn't been true to myself - or to God when I married him, yet I expected God to just fix it.

Life as a single woman, focused on pleasing God can be rich and fulfilling. When I met the man the Lord had prepared for me, I was not (actively) looking for a mate. I was a single mother of a 4-year-old at the time and was diligently seeking to please the Lord. Was I perfect, oh my God no! I was very flawed and to be honest still had lingering emotional (not physical) scars stemming from my failed marriage. Not to mention the fact that I had given up on obtaining a college education or a professional career. Nevertheless, the Lord knew the desires of my heart, the desires that HE had placed there - and brought them to pass.

While I waiting for the Lord, I prepared myself for marriage by listening, watching and asking questions of those who were where I wanted to be in life. Spiritually, as well as naturally. I began to act on my faith and one day typed a list of the characteristics I wanted my new husband to have. I kept that "grocery" list taped to the inside of the tiny bible that I carried everywhere with me. I can honestly say is all that my husband is all that I asked for - and then some. To God Be the Glory!

Note that I didn't ask God for superficial things like wealth and riches. Hmm, I wonder what would have happened if I had listed wealth? Oh well. Instead, I asked him for things like saved, holy, romantic, educated, a good sense of humor, etc. I was unaware that I had listed "faithful" twice. Couldn't hurt - huh?

In 1984, my husband, my sole mate FOUND ME at the very church I'd attended the majority of my life. An usher seated me next to him during our annual church family's business meeting. I had arrived late, with my young daughter in tow. Since I was late I couldn't sit in the area I customarily sat in and it was so crowded that there wasn't even a seat for her, so I she had to sit on my lap. She kept kicking her "future father" and fortunately he was patient and understanding. Not long afterward, we began dating. After we had only been dating for a short period, he unabashedly told me that the Lord revealed to him that I was going to be his wife. At first I wasn't convinced because the Lord did not reveal that to me until much later. We went through several trials as a couple, including breaking off our engagement originally. It wasn't until we reconnected and both diligently sought the Lord, that we were married. The rest as they say, is history.

So ladies, be encouraged in the Lord and occupy yourself with wholesome, healthy activities until the man of your dreams comes to FIND YOU.

Recommended reading

The Bible

Proverbs 3:4-6

Proverbs 18:22

Psalm 37:4

Ruth 3:18

Esther 2:17

Inspirational Fiction

Brown Paper Bag, by Venus Mason Theus

He's Fine, But is He Saved? by Kimberley Brooks

Introduction to Pearls of Wisdom

2008-06-17T05:17:00.000-07:00

Hello!

I'm Venus Mason Theus. I've been happily married for 23 years, have a blended family which consists of 5 adult offspring and todate - 13 grandchildren ranging in age from 3 months to 21 years. My husband and I are the directors of the family ministry and facilitate an interactive bible study group for married couples at the church we attend in Detroit, Michigan. He is a licensed counselor. Last year, I self published my debut novel Brown Paper Bag - E3 Publications. I am also a freelance writer and self-proclaimed full-time family manager (that sounds better than house wife doesn't it?)

I decided to start this blog because women (and a few good men) ask me for marital advice all of the time - and they keep coming back for more! The issues couples bring to me are usually not uncommon; however the enemy would have us to believe that we're the only ones facing our challenges. I hope that you will enjoy this blog, and most of all be blessed by the information you receive. I'll start by sharing tips from a few "seasoned" ladies who are happily married.

I hope that everyone understands that a successful marriage is not error or problem free. One important element that makes marriage happy and successful is to keep that thought in mind. God must be the center of your marriage. Seek His wisdom and His will for your marriage. He will help you to weather any storm your marriage might encounter - believe I know. Venus

Tips For a "Successful" Marriage

Recently, I asked several friends and family members who are happily married to share one thing THEY do that contributes to making their marriage a happy one. Here are their responses...

"To keep a marriage strong you must take the ordinary out and put in the element of surprise. Plan a rendezvous to two." Shirley Thompson., Detroit, MI, Married 23 years

"I will muster up my Wonder Woman energy and do those things that make him smile and turn him on. And in return, I get the same, glory to God! Do unto husband as you would have him do unto you!" - Sheritha Bowman, Germantown, MD; Author & Playwright, Married 19 years

"We have date nights, which range from a beautiful night out with dinner and a movie to a bag of onion rings and a soda in front of the T.V. We make us important and if I want a date night I am not afraid to court him, (He's mine and I enjoy him)." - Cherise (Thues) Miller, Richmond, VA; Married 5 years

"I try to remember what happens if you do not have commitment. Without commitment, one begins to count and measure the contributions they make, instead of freely giving their all. - Bernadette Hardy, Southfield, Michigan; Married 44 years

My husband is a great communicator and loves to talk, so I have learned to become a good listener. In so doing, I am in tune with his feelings, desires and needs. Therefore, I am equipped to fulfill his needs without the guesswork. - Sheila Glenn, West Bloomfield, MI; Married 21 years

We have very hectic schedules because I'm completingmy masters degree, as well as, working full-time. My husband works an opposite shift from 2 to 10pm. We take a few minutes in the morning to talk and find outwhat's going in my husband's life before I head out ofthe door. At least once a week we have dinner together. We make the time so that we can catch upand see each other. Karen White Owens - Author, Detroit, Michigan; married 19 years

"Never nag him or complain about his faults, even if they drive you nuts. Smile and love him and bite your tongue." Beverly Patton, Fort Meyers, FLA., Married 48 years

My tip: Choose your battles. It's not always important to be right. Many times your husband will learn you're right without you're having to say "I told you so." - Venus